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Tips For Single Moms
Ebony, March, 1999 by Nicole Walker
SHE is often portrayed as an underage, barely educated, welfare recipient. She is frequently accused of raising juvenile delinquents and menaces to She is constantly blamed for the moral decay of the nation.
She is the single mother. She may be your aunt, your sister, your girlfriend. Even your own mother.
She could be you.
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Raising a child alone probably isn't the ideal, but it is an increasing reality. Single mothers have changed the face of the American family. Some experts speculate that more than half of the nation's households now are headed by single mothers. They represent all classes, creeds, incomes. They come from all walks of life. They face the same challenges that affect all parents--having enough money to pay the bills, finding time and energy for their children amidst hectic work schedules, making sure their sons and daughters' needs are met. And regardless of the circumstances surrounding their solo-parenting status--a divorce, a mate's death, abandonment, an adoption or a child as a single person, or personal preference--most of these mothers share the desire to be the best possible parent for their children.
Many are like Yolanda McGruder. She's 25, college-educated and raising her 2-year-old son, William, alone. She works two jobs to make ends meet, one as a teacher assistant at a Chicago school, the other as a sales associate at a department store. Like many women who face the prospect of single motherhood, when things failed to work out with her child's father, McGruder wondered if she had what it took to be a successful single mother. "At first I was scared," she admits, "because I didn't know what to do. I knew that, financially, I was not ready. But I felt it was my time to have [a child], and after I found out I was pregnant, I just fell in love with the child inside."
That love for their children is what sustains these mothers when money is tight, daddy is nowhere to be found, and heartache is their only companion.
GETTING OVER GUILT--AND GETTING ON
A single mother's greatest enemy is perhaps the feeling that she has failed as a parent for not providing a father for her child. McGruder herself reveals that at one point when things got rough for her, especially from a financial standpoint, she held her son in her arms and told him, over and over, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
Experts like Kelly Williams, author of Single Mamahood: Advice and Wisdom for the African-American Single Mother, say it's not uncommon for single mothers to feel guilt, regret or even frustration with their circumstances. "Sometimes you feel disappointed because you know in your heart that this is not the ideal--that every child deserves to be brought up in a home with his or her mother and father," admits Williams, who was single when her 12-year-old son, Winston, was born. Later she married her son's father because she felt "it was the right thing to do," but split from him less than a year later. "But you have to say that since these are the cards that were dealt to me, I'll play this hand as best as I can. I'm going to make sure that I'm doing everything that I can to make sure my child has as many benefits as he possibly can."
McGruder may have her moments of insecurity about her ability to raise her son by herself, just as Williams and most single mothers have. Still, she finds the inner strength to do whatever it takes to raise her son. "You can't go back in time and change what has happened," she says, "It's done now; there are no regrets. You just have to get stronger and keep on going."
FORMING SUPPORT NETWORKS
It's easy for a single mother to feel like she's alone in her struggle--that it's her and her child against the world. But while traditional avenues of support may not be available to her--ones that usually come with a spouse or mate--chances are family or friends who care enough will lend a hand when she needs it. "I don't know how many times I've had a girlfriend go get my son when he was really young and would get sick all the time," recalls Williams, who couldn't always leave work when an emergency arose. "We watched each other's backs. If you can find people who are facing similar situations, you can get practical and emotional support."
Sometimes it takes swallowing a little pride to reach out for help, but if people are willing and able, accept their offers to lighten your parenting load. "It's very hard to do it all alone," says McGruder, who is now living with her mother but plans to venture out on her own when she's financially stable. "I thank my mother every day. If your parents want to help, let them. That's who will be there for you--your family."
SEEKING CHILD SUPPORT
A father's absence from the household does not excuse him from his responsibility to provide for his children. If he is not pulling his share of the parenting load, especially when it comes to financial support, a single mother has a legal right to seek recourse through the courts. If a father refuses to pay child support, the government can garnish his wages or his income tax refunds. Many states are adopting "Deadbeat Dad" laws, posting photos of delinquent parents in public forums in hopes of embarassing them into taking responsibility for their children.
