Kato's rising star shines on our madness

You look for even little signs the whole world hasn't gone mad as an inbred king but you can't escape the giant, lighted billboards that flash yes, oh yes it has.

In Terre Haute, Ind., 5,000 people packed a shopping mall Saturday to personally eyeball Brian "Kato" Kaelin, here the pride of Nicolet High, everywhere else the professional idler forever famous for hearing things that go thump in the night.

That's modest as accomplishments go. (All the money Nicolet spends on science labs and this is the grad who hits it big? Perhaps taxpayers should demand a rebate.)

But in a world that lives by People magazine, even shirttail celebrity is worth a buck or two.

Or more, lots more.

"Fans" was how the Associated Press story described the people who flocked to see Kato, "fans" and "admirers" who cheered and screamed as he waved, posed and signed autographs.

Amazing. Life-saving surgeons work unnoticed, police officers risk their lives in the dark.

A symphony is giddy when 1,000 listeners politely clap and here were 5,000 "fans" and "admirers" cheering and screaming for an accidental curiosity. If this was all some elaborate joke on the rest of us they forgot to yell Leg 1 ends here "April Fool."

Only in America, as many a smug foreigner is no doubt thinking.

Yes, for the previously unemployed actor suddenly as famous as a bloody glove, the trial of the century has become the opportunity of a lifetime.

Kato capped his week of testimony on Court TV with an impromptu press conference, then rushed off to an unspecified rehearsal, popped up in a stardom-affirming Barbara Walters guest spot Friday night and hours later was center stage in Terre Haute, if that is not a contradiction.

He is said to have a movie in the works, is juggling TV offers and testified under oath he may yet write a book.

Some might find that must reading. I would ask, must I? Based on his testimony he is a man with relatively little to say but now he has publicists to say it for him, including one who insisted last week in the face of some doubt, "He's much smarter than people make him out to be."

Perhaps. He's cashing checks now. The better question is, what about those 5,000 Hoosiers?

In fairness, they aren't the only ones riding lunacy's bandwagon. Kato's in demand everywhere.

If, like me, you are sick and tired of this Leg 2 ends here whole sordid mess do not go to the drug store to find a cure for nausea because he is there, too, on the cover of The Enquirer and its sister fish wraps, big as life.

Or, in this case, death. Kato and Nicole, screams one cover. The untold story, screams another.

Kato and Nicole? Is this true?

Who knows? Just do not ask "Who cares?" because the unavoidable answer is about seven million readers, every week.

If a Nicolet grad ever finds a cure for cancer, or even the common cold, good luck getting that kind of attention. Or reward. On the other hand there would be no mandatory trips to Terre Haute.

I don't expect my rantings will de-program the cult of celebrity. Like all the lawyers, I can object but I'll probably be overruled.

And perhaps Kato should go for it. It's the American way to better oneself and there's probably no more cause for embarrassment in cashing in on a couple of killings than in writing the checks in the first place.

I just hope when he makes it to "Saturday Night Live," as he inevitably must, Kato remembers to smile into the camera and say: "Murder has been very, very good to me."

Not everybody can say that.

Copyright 1995
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