Commentary: Invite emotions to have a seat at the negotiation table

Mediation is frequently described as an opportunity for people to resolve conflicts. That is an apt description because in many ways it is an opportunity - in some ways a unique opportunity. Why so?

The answer lies in the innate desire of people to find a way to resolve whatever conflict they find themselves in. Being in conflict is no picnic. It saps energy, attention, emotions and productivity.

Even conflicts that do not have that effect can generate costs and nagging uncertainty about what the other person may do.

But if people want to resolve conflicts, why don't they?

There are a number or reasons for this. One is that things get in the way, such as anger, resentment, misunderstanding, and suspicion. These can be or feel like insurmountable barriers.

Another reason is that resolving a conflict requires negotiation, and many people feel deficient in this area. It is a common perception that the negotiating most people do is limited to haggling over the cost of an item or service or trying to get the better of another person in a deal. While this is certainly not the full specter of what quality negotiating represents, this particular variety of negotiating takes its toll short term and long term.

For one thing, it often breeds exaggeration, untruths and bluffing. For another, it often leaves the recipient of such tactics with a bitter aftertaste for having been taken advantage of or made the fool.

This kind of negotiating may not be helpful when two people are locked in a serious conflict or situation with important consequences. Bluffs can be counterproductive, especially when the parties know each other, and while haggling might result in some kind of meet-in-the-middle settlement, it is almost always a method that falls short of addressing what matters most.

Another reason conflicts do not get resolved is that people do not like to settle a conflict in a way that implies that they are at fault or where it appears they have lost the battle to the other person, whom they view as the opponent. The other in serious conflicts often becomes viewed as the opponent or the bad guy. And this goes for both sides, such that they are often viewing each other in this way, which causes alienation and activates the suspicion radar.

Ironically yet predictably, such human events are a set up for failure since neither party wants to approach in any meaningful way the other, and both ask themselves, 'Why negotiate with a bad guy?' The good news is that there are much better ways for people caught up in a conflict to view each other, other than as opponents and bad guys. Bad situations can, and often do, present us with opportunities to do things differently and better.

One such opportunity is mediation and facilitated dialogue with a neutral third party. A skilled mediator, operating from a relational point of view to people, conflict and business, will know how to work with these obstacles and barriers and will honor the complexity and reality of the situation as experienced by all those involved.

For example, as long as emotions go ignored, they and their influence remain at full strength. But when these emotions are invited to have a place in the conversation or negotiation and are listened to and understood, even if not agreed to, their negative strength often diminishes, while the positive strength informs quality decision making.

People can get the sense of getting something off their chests, which is usually followed by some sense of relief and clearer thinking. Do expressions of feelings and emotions have a valid place in a mediation setting? Absolutely, if they stand in the way of understanding a situation and working through a conflict, which is why the parties come to mediation in the first place.

When a human being is offered the chance to shift a negative experience to something that is more positive and clearer, calmer thinking is then possible. The parties are then able to explore and consider more things and to weigh more appropriately what is important and what is not.

In mediation, from a relational transformative approach, parties often experience a sense of relief and clarity. Perhaps this will be the first relief the person has felt for a while. In this type of mediation, clearer thinking parties then have a much greater chance to experience quality interaction and dialogue, which naturally leads to authentic problem solving.

Whether a business dispute, a civil lawsuit, an elder care conflict, a partner separation, or a marriage breakup, mediation from a relational perspective offers a better process for a better outcome. Consider mediation the next time you or your business friend has a problem. Mediation from the transformative relational approach has the highest rate of settlement and resolution than other forms of settlement or mediation.

Louise Phipps Senft, the founder of the Baltimore Mediation Center, writes this column, The Negotiating Table, every month for The Daily Record. The opinions express are her own and not necessarily those of this newspaper. Ms. Senft can be reached at 443- 524-0833 or www.BaltimoreMediation.com.

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