PEOPLE: THE WORST OF WEEKS

Keith Chegwin

Well, you might ask, when was it a good week for Cheggers? On Tuesday he found himself at the top of the flop charts when his 2000 appearance on nude game show "Naked Jungle" was named the worst TV show of al time. If you never saw it, let's just say it could have been subtitled "Spot the Winkle".

Kangaroos

The hairy marsupials have been having too good a time, and now their population is so big that they are to be put on the Pil. And just in case any of Oz's 57 million roos are considering Chelsea as somewhere they could escape the cul - remember, the locals are prepared, with kangaroo-bars already attached to their 4x4s.

Bob Dylan

Apparently having forgotten the shouts of "Judas" when he first picked up an electric guitar, the grumpy genius has announced that modern music sounds crap. So appaling are today's recording techniques, he says, even his own songs sound rubbish. And for al this time, we thought that was just because he can't sing.

Caprice

The supermodel yeled at a policeman who asked "Caprice who?" as he arrested her for drink-driving. "Do you know what this wil do to me?" she ranted. Worse was to come: she splashed out on lawyer Nick Freeman, known as Mr Loophole, but ended up being banned from driving and with a very large bil. So sad.

Tom

Classic episodes has been re-edited to rid them of scenes in which Tom is seen smoking. This is because watchdog Ofcom was scared they would make five-year-olds light up. Sticking a mouse in an electric socket is fine, however. Next, Road Runner wil be asked to observe the Highway Code.

Sir Nicholas Serota

The director of the Tate is the star of a mickey-taking artwork for sale in an exhibition by the Stuckists, a group of figurative artists fighting a long-term battle with Tate Modern. The painting shows Serota examining a pair of knickers, wondering if they are "a genuine Emin" or "a worthless fake". It is expected to sel for pounds 30k.

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