The long and short of it is that drive contest is out of my range

Among my many non-accomplishments in golf, the longest-drive competition ranks high. I can hit them straight occasionally, but I don't seem to be able to hit them long.

These additional challenges are usually part of a special day, such as a charity event. The longest-drive and the nearest-the-pin prizes add extra interest.

I once won three nearest-the-pin prizes during a four-day event in Portugal, and collected two huge bath towels and a white bathrobe bearing the club crest. It's a pity so few get a chance to see it.

The longest drive, however, has been well out of my range. That's why it is ironic that one helped to ruin a long-held ambition the other week.

For 19 years I've been involved with running a charity golf day in aid of the local youth rugby club, and we've raised the best part of [pound]25,000 for them.

In the inaugural event, I somehow managed to be part of the winning team, but I've been entering my own team ever since and have never looked like approaching the winners' podium. Mind you, for several years any chance of winning was greatly reduced by a team who travelled from 30 miles away and would emphatically outscore all of us.

It wasn't in our nature to be suspicious, but charity golf days rely more on trust than any other form of competition, because each four-man team mark their own card with the three best scores on each hole.

Their phenomenal run ended two years ago when someone noticed that on the 18th they didn't seem to score and yet five points were shown on their card which, again, was well superior to the other 15 teams.

It was very embarrassing but, fortunately, they had forgotten to sign their card which, by the strict rules of golf, means disqualification. When this news was broken to them at dinner they marched out, never to be heard from again. The atmosphere has greatly improved, and so have my hopes.

My team comprises Simon, who plays off two, Paul (five) and John (nine), and I was forced to remind them of our long period of underachievement.

Simon, who had just won the club's strokeplay championship, was particularly up for it, but when we reached the first tee he gasped - it was the longest-drive hole. Instead of remaining calm, Simon launched at it, and the ball disappeared into the woods on the far right.

We scored a measly three points and though we recovered to finish with 113 points, we were two short of winning. Our smiles when we collected fourth prize - a pair of socks and a golf glove - were not sincere.

Nobody blamed Simon, but last week he played in another golf day and, once more, the longest drive was on the first. This time he hit it down the middle. His wasn't the longest drive, but he got a birdie. Had he done that in our event we'd have won. They should change it to a long-suffering competition.

Copyright 2007 Independent Newspapers UK Limited. All rights owned or operated by The Independent.
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.