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CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS RESEARCH: A RESOURCE FOR COUPLE AND FAMILY THERAPISTS
Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Jan 2004 by Hendrick, Susan S
Matt, you may need to get a little pushy in helping Kathy-she's used to doing everything herself. But push nicely! We'll need to talk more about your mother's death and how that influenced your fear of being abandoned again, as well as talk about where Kathy's Mania comes from, but in the meantime, work on your trust of Kathy when she says that she loves you. I believe she does. Each of you wants your togetherness, but you want it in your own way on your own time. Kathy, if you could magically have the changes you want in your marriage, what would some of them be?
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Kathy: I'd like Matt to be less angry and possessive. Then I'd really like to go off by ourselves for a weekend and leave the kids with my parents. And I'd like to cuddle in bed before we go to sleep at night. I like the idea of Matt and I being more of a team; I'm tired of being in charge.
Therapist: Matt, what about you? If you could have what you want, what would it be?
Matt: I think the things that Kathy suggests would be great-I'm up for all of them. I will really try to work on my anger and fear. I guess that I'd really like Kathy to seem happier to see me when I get home from work. And if that cuddling progresses into sex a little more often, that would be okay with me. (Kathy laughs.)
Therapist: You two are starting to talk very constructively, and we can follow this up with some specific behaviors to work on with each other. You have already named several. What is really so important is that you are beginning to understand more about where the other person is coming from and finding out that you are not really so far apart. Problems in a marriage are like a crack in a wall; if you don't repair the crack, it widens and widens until the wall breaks down. You two have started the repair process just in time.
This dialogue presents part of a full therapy session, and a lot of information is compressed into just a few interchanges. Nevertheless, it illustrates how as therapists we are always searching for entry points, for things to tag, for doors to open just enough so that we can connect with our clients and connect them to each other. I have found the love styles approach extremely useful in my clinical work.
Other Love Approaches Applied to Therapy
The approaches to love research discussed earlier are also applicable to couple therapy. For example, Aron and Aron's (1996) self-expansion approach could be used in therapy, although not necessarily with the case example couple. In a common therapy situation, a client loves someone, often a former partner, who does not reciprocate the love. Self-expansion, ideally a mutual process, can explain the client's inclusion of the former partner into his or her psyche, even though the former partner has excluded the client. This is "unilateral self-expansion," not necessarily a desirable thing, and the metaphor might be helpful in aiding a client to withdraw from the former partner, excluding that partner from the client's "Self."
Sternberg's (1986, 1987) Triangular Theory of Love offers three components (intimacy, passion, commitment) and eight types of love. The three components might be used with our case example couple, noting that Kathy is high in her desire for passion, Matt is high in his desire for intimacy, and both are heavily committed to their marriage. These concepts are easily grasped and might help our couple learn positive words for their differences and similarities.
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