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CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS RESEARCH: A RESOURCE FOR COUPLE AND FAMILY THERAPISTS
Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Jan 2004 by Hendrick, Susan S
Therapist: Matt, what are your thoughts and feelings?
Matt: I feel sad when Kathy says we aren't connecting-but at some level, I know she's right. It seems like I've got the life I wanted, but it isn't exactly what I thought it would be. The kids are wonderful, but I never feel as close to Kathy as I want to feel. I can't believe I scored so high on possessive, dependent love-but than again, I'm not surprised. I want her to pay attention to me and be affectionate, and I go nuts when she's not. I don't remember feeling this way when we were first together, but I guess we just focused on each other all the time. I'm sure this is related to my mother's dying when I was 10. When I don't feel totally secure, I'm afraid that Kathy is going to leave me too. My head says she's not, but my heart is scared. What I really want is to figure all this out and get back to us being happy.
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Kathy: Matt, I want to get back to being happy too. The kids, and our work, and our life together keep us very busy, but I know that we still need us. I need us as much as you do. You used to be much more supportive. But now I often feel smothered by you, or else that you don't trust me. And when you are upset, you take it out on me and the kids. I can't stand your pulling at me; sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled apart.
Therapist: Everything you are saying is consistent with your love styles and with how you have talked since you started marriage counseling. What I hear from Kathy isn't really dissatisfaction with you, Matt, or with your marriage. It is discouragement with the conflict and distance that are happening for the two of you right now-and also a longing for some of the magic that you had when you first met. Kathy, I see you wanting to tell Matt that you're not going away, that you're with him for the duration. But you're afraid to commit to that with all the conflict and Matt's acting out.
Matt, I don't hear you disagreeing with Kathy. But you keep wanting to remind her that you have a good life together. You seem to be afraid to admit that your marriage needs some help for fear that Kathy will want to change everything-or even leave. You need to let go a little, but the more unloved you feel, the more frightened you get, and the more you hold on for dear life.
Kathy: I don't want to leave. I just want things to change. Matt, you can trust me. There's no one else I want-I just want you. But I want the loving you, not the angry or clingy you.
Matt: That's really what I want too. I don't like being angry-or clingy. I know you love me, but it still helps to hear you say it.
Therapist: Part of what needs to happen is a change in how you think and talk about your relationship. And the other part is actually changing some behaviors. Kathy, if Matt is being demanding at a particular time, you can ask him to chill and be more patient. But you can also respond warmly by giving him a quick hug or telling him you love him even if you don't have time for him at that moment. He may be a manic lover at times, but he also has a strong component of passionate and altruistic love, and these are aspects that can be nurtured by you, as well as by Matt himself. He wants to be included, but he also wants to be helpful. So if you two are more of a team in terms of childcare and even housework, rather than having you running things and Matt feeling left out, that will help things a lot.
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