How to survive the apocalypse: with the Rapture and Armageddon soon coming, you haven't much time to prepare. Here's a survival guide for those whose skepticism and critical thinking may cost them dearly

According to the Book of Revelations, the Lord will eventually return to earth to carry back his devoted flock. This is the start of the end of the world as we know it. Most of humanity will be left behind. In fact, Left Behind is the name of an astoundingly popular book series by evangelical writer Tim LaHaye. More than sixty-three million copies of LaHaye's books have sold, filling the imaginations of the faithful with images of blood, judgmental vengeance, and generally triumphant ass-kicking. After the rapture, when God will suck up the devotees, he will return to earth--wearing a blood-soaked white robe--to fight the unregenerates at Armageddon.

"Armageddon" literally refers to the hill in Israel where the cataclysmic battle between the armies of good and evil is supposed to go down. In many evangelical circles, this end-time scenario has been given a specific political/cultural interpretation. For example, most fundamentalists today believe that "the Beast" or Antichrist will emerge as a charismatic Catholic leader (probably a pope), Islam will get its clock cleaned by a rebuilt Judaism, and many other such detailed predictions (see www.chick.com for the creme de la creme). These specific predictions should be seen as extremely helpful for those of us who will be trying to survive the Great Tribulation.

When the sky opens up and the Lord "descends from heaven with a shout" (Thess. 4:16) to separate the wheat from the chaff, you're probably going to do some serious backpedaling. You might try to justify your life, apologize for it, or perhaps even disown it. But, to be theologically precise, the time for repentance will already be over at that point; the window of opportunity will have closed, and groveling probably won't save you. It's time to think pragmatically, and you'll need some good survival strategies for negotiating the big hurt.

Why Are You in This Mess?

You're not on the A-team--in fact, you're not even in the game. Your skepticism and critical thinking have cost you dearly. Chances are that you'll want to wallow in some self-pity at this juncture, but there's no time for that now. Remember, you're in good company. Many very smart people will be damned, too--in fact there turns out to be some direct correlation there. Start working with some of these intellectuals now, before you have to run. Many intelligent people can be found near libraries and liquor stores. Forge friendships of utility. This is a good time to strategize, study blueprints and subway maps, and discuss dehydrated food options.

The Impostor Strategy

Before you become an all-out fugitive, you have two or three chances to circumvent the whole renegade thing. First, pretend to be someone else--preferably someone righteous. Do some research before the day of reckoning in order to identify some virtuous neighbor. Get the person's movements down and try to replicate her or his clothing style and some of her or his behavioral quirks. If you can hide the person when the chaos begins (maybe tie her or him up), that will also be helpful. When the angel of death swoops down to mete out justice, just adopt the other's identity and stick to your story with Oscar-winning devotion.

Now, it's true that God is omniscient and can sort out such a rigged case of mistaken identity, but the divine henchmen and middle management that you'll be dealing with won't have such cognitive powers. You're buying time here. By the time word gets upstairs to the All-Knowing One, you'll be deep into the Wisconsin hinterlands. (Of course, if God is everywhere, then this strategy has other problems.)

Another possible way to skirt the unpleasantries of roughing it on the road is to "kill a friend for Jesus." Try to kill some of your "heathen" friends. In fact, the closer the friend (e.g., a "best" friend), the better. Perhaps you can try to arrange this with the victim ahead of time (though he or she may find it difficult to see any personal benefit in it). Do this killing in plain view of some regular churchgoers, who can then vouch for your impressive zeal. While it's true that Jesus and the angels will be doing most of the systematic smiting, it can't hurt to demonstrate your piety with some unequivocal gestures.

Creature and Monster Management

During the Great Tribulation, God will unleash a lot of very large and apparently very motivated monsters upon us. First, be careful near big bodies of water. Enoch, otherwise known as Behemoth, and his companion Leviathan will be up from the bottom and looking to feed near the shorelines (Esdras 6:49). These guys are going to be sluggish at first because they've been asleep since the creation (Gen. 1:21), and that's good news for you and me. You've got the advantage as long as you stay out of really deep waters. However massive they are, these creatures are built for aquatic movement, and their big flippers, tentacles, and fins are going to be laughable out on dry land, so don't sweat them too much. But take serious precautions with the following: according to Revelations 12:3, the sky will suddenly fill with a giant red dragon "having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his head."