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Please pass the manners
Insight on the News, March 9, 1998 by Ken Asch
As fewer American families share evening meals, more children grow up lacking good manners. Now many parents are sending their kids to etiquette schools.
Etiquette educator Dorothea Johnson was not surprised when the principal partner of a prestigious law firm called for help. It seemed a newly hired protege wasn't such an ace at table manners and had committed numerous faux pas during an important business lunch. "He holds the fork like a shovel," the partner complained.
Elbows on the table, speaking with a mouthful of food, reaching across three people to get to the potatoes -- good table manners seem to have gone the way of family mealtimes, notes Johnson, director of the Protocol School of Washington. Many children aren't even aware of the rules they're breaking. That young lawyer, who put "three times as much steak on his fork as he should," cooked for himself and ate alone all through high school because his parents worked late.
Educational institutions from Columbia University to elementary schools are working to bridge the etiquette gap with training in the social graces. Mater Amoris Montessori School of Ashton, Md., incorporates table manners into its curriculum as early as preschool. Although the youngest students don't stay until lunchtime, they eat their snacks off china plates at a table covered with linen and are encouraged to engage in quiet conversation with classmates. The Jon D. Williams Cotillion, which teaches children etiquette along with ballroom dancing, offers more than 50 programs in 40 cities.
"Manners are really hot right now, and parents more and more are seeking manners training," says Gail Wofford of Middleburg, Va., who works in her family's cotillion business. "The eighties were so dog-eat-dog. Culture Now there is a turn back to treating others the way you would like to be treated."
Paying attention to the rules of etiquette not only is good form, it's pragmatic, Johnson says. "Good manners will get you where you want to go faster than a speeding BMW." Take, for example, 10-year-old Jason Lewris of Great Falls, Va. Jason makes eye contact and offers a firm handshake and engaging smile when greeting people. He waits until the adults in the room are seated before he perches, straight-backed, in an armchair. He knows exactly which fork to use for each of seven courses.
Jason practices Continental-style table manners, keeping his knife in his right hand and fork in his left during the meal. With the American style, the knife is used only to cut the food, then placed on the edge of the plate, blade edge facing in. Either way is acceptable, but "more and more Americans are using the Continental style," Johnson says. "No matter style you use, the key is to manipulate your fork and knife with ease and confidence."
Knowledge is power, but many of Johnson's pupils say they must exercise their manners judiciously. "You have to know when to turn it on and when to turn it off," says 15-year-old Lindsey Robinson of Herndon, Va. "If I go to an all-girls'camp, I wouldn't be as strict with the etiquette as if I were at a country club."
As etiquette experts often point out, the ultimate lesson in manners is learning to be kind--not interrupting while someone is speaking, for example, or showing appreciation for a host who has made a fine dinner. Remember thank-you notes?
"Etiquette isn't about money, it isn't about royalty and it isn't about showing people you're better than they are," Jason's mother, Alinda Lewris, says. "What I want for my children is to show them that the most important thing in the world is to be kind. That means showing respect by being mannerly."
RELATED ARTICLE: Regal or Rude?
Test your table manners with this simple quiz. Jot down what you believe to be the correct answer to each question, then see how you fared by checking the answer code.
1. Dinner napkins should be:
A) Balled up beside plate for easy access.
B) Draped over your lap to shield clothing from any dropped food.
C) Neatly folded in lap until needed.
2. Where does the butter knife belong?
A) At the top of the butter plate with the blade toward the user.
B) In the butter stick, but make sure it's wedged in securely.
C) On the butter dish, which is placed near the breadbasket.
3. What's the proper way to eat the irresistible pool of sauce left on your plate?
A) Tip the plat slightly and collect the sauce on a soup spoon.
B) Politely ask the server for a straw, then suck up the sauce.
C) Break off a small piece of bread or roll, spear it with a fork, and carefully soak up the sauce.
4. If you think something is stuck in your teeth:
A) Discreetly pick it out with a toothpick.
B) Wipe it out with the corner of your napkin.
C) Excuse yourself and take care of it in the restroom.
5. Olive pits should be:
A) Deftly maneuvered into your napkin.
B) Taken out of your mouth with your fingers and placed on the edged of the plate.
