The Long View - political humor

From the FBI Profiler

The Bill Simon Voter:

The Bill Simon Voter is a quiet, unassuming person. He will usually live in a "gated" community, and will be described by neighbors and associates as "friendly" and "dependable." Often works with an accomplice in a tennis dress and a sun visor, whom he refers to, ruefully, as "too good for Wal-Mart." Is often at odds with the prevailing moods and messages of the popular culture, and harbors feelings of alienation while watching his children dress in "hip hop" clothing and listening to them talk to their friends in the back seat of the Chevy Suburban. While not dangerous as a rule, the Bill Simon Voter can explode with fury at a slice into the trees and is seriously considering "ripping that damn computer out of this freakin' house, Lois, I promise I will, do you hear me?" Flashpoints: private-school tuition, Laotian family next door.

The Walter Mondale Voter:

Can be found at restaurants offering an "Early Bird" dinner, often in flannel clothing that resembles pajamas. Strongly identifies with working-class heroes of a bygone era, and often seems to be confused by self-service gas stations with automatic credit-card readers. Mixes well with other profile types (especially the Gray Davis Voter and the Jean Carnahan Voter) and is essentially a social creature. Usually has an accomplice with bluish hair. Only dangerous while merging onto a freeway or making a left turn. Flashpoints: watching someone buy a vowel when unnecessary; kids these days.

The Gray Davis Voter:

Can be found in and around areas where money is being distributed and checks are being written, which includes steakhouses in the Sacramento, Calif., area; homes in the 310 area code; and statehouse office- building parking lots. The Gray Davis Voter is a delusional creature that suffers from what experts call "Reverse Paranoia" -- the constant and unfounded belief that most people like and respect him. This profile type is not necessarily dangerous, but can be remarkably tenacious when cornered. Traditionally, this type has low levels of dynamic strength but high levels of tensile strength, i.e., it can't lift, move, or in any way affect an object, but it can hang on to one. Flashpoints: bounced checks, campaign-finance laws.

The Jean Carnahan Voter:

Can be found in women's bookstores, all-night pharmacies, and outdoor- equipment retail establishments. The Jean Carnahan Voter often wears open-toed sandals with socks (this applies to both the male and female varieties) and is concerned with the cost of prescription, non- prescription, and not-quite-totally-legal medicines. This profile type is often angry and often suffering from some kind of delusional self- image, usually that of a "crusader" or "savior" figure. Often works alone, even when in groups. Often confuses simple local politics (water-bond issues, for example) with larger social politics ("Water for Womyn!") and even larger geopolitical questions ("Yes on Water Bond Question 7! Send Water To Baqubah, Our Sister City In Iraq!"). Dangerous only when making dinner, and then only to the gastrointestinal tract, and even then only for a few hours. Flashpoints: pledge week on NPR, Boy Scouts.

The Mitt Romney Voter:

As befits the profile of a Republican voter in Massachusetts, the Mitt Romney Voter is a colorful, whimsical profile type -- a dreamer, a fantasist, and a believer in magic, spells, and mischievous elves. This profile type will almost always work alone -- there are very few fellow profile types in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts to link up with -- but will merrily go about his business without a thought to realistic outcome. The Mitt Romney Voter is not dangerous -- in fact, he is totally harmless -- but such a high degree of willful self- delusion needs to be monitored at all times. Flashpoints: Kennedys and Kennedy hyphenates.

The Maxine Waters Voter:

Is often found with mouth open and noise coming out. This is an extremely volatile and dangerous personality. Takes orders directly from neighbor's dog. Do not -- repeat DO NOT -- attempt to engage this profile type in discussion or debate. Simply sit quietly and smile and listen to profile type's rants while the proper authorities are notified. Maintain eye contact at all times to keep profile type from breaking concentration as the authorities sneak up from behind. Flashpoints: reason, Jews.

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