From 'Activist' to 'Warmonger': A handy glossary from Lucifer's latest lexicographer

Back in 1911 the American misanthrope and satirist Ambrose Bierce published his Devil's Dictionary , 140 pages of scathing commentary on the folly, ugliness, and cruelty of the human race, laid out in the form of a dictionary, with "definitions" along the lines of (to give an actual sample): "Erudition, n. -- Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull."

Without in any way wishing to endorse Bierce's low opinion of his fellow man, I offer the following brief Devil's Dictionary of terms current in the media today. Alongside each entry I have given the least charitable possible interpretation of the word or phrase listed. (N.B.: To save space and avoid unnecessary repetition, I have used an abbreviation -- "DVG," which stands for "designated victim group," e.g., black people, homosexuals, illegal immigrants, etc.)

activist, n. Leftist troublemaker.

affirmative action, n. Quotas by race, sex, and often sexual orientation (though never by religion or political inclination).

Arab street, the, n. The cab driver who took your correspondent from Amman airport to the Hilton Hotel.

bash, v.t. To make uncomplimentary remarks about a DVG. To suggest that some particular member of a DVG has moral failings. E.g., "immigrant- bashing" -- opposing illegal immigration.

bigotry, n. The open expression of conservative opinions.

celebrate, v.t. (In such bound forms as "celebrate diversity.") To feign wholehearted enthusiasm for some theory, doctrine, law, ruling, or administrative fait accompli that strips you of some of your rights or property.

censorship, n. A refusal, on the part of the public authorities, to disburse public monies to performance artists (q.v.), transgressive artists (q.v.), and so on.

centrist, adj. Liberal. See also mainstream, moderate .

children, for the sake of our ( slogan ). Teachers unions, for the sake of the.

choice, n. The killing of human fetuses in utero , or the removal by suction of the brain of a newborn baby.

civil rights, n. The privileges to which DVGs are entitled.

Communist, n. A person who adheres to the economic and political theories of Karl Marx and V. I. Lenin. No member of the U.S. media knows any such person, nor ever has. Probably no such person ever existed. If such a person did exist, he or she was undoubtedly full of good intentions, though perhaps mistaken as to methods.

controversial, adj. (Applied to a nominee for any cabinet or judicial position requiring congressional approval.) Conservative.

deficit, n. An imbalance in state or national finances brought about by the willful refusal of the executive branch to support the ever- increasing levels of taxation required to fund the disbursements required by the legislature (q.v.).

discrimination, n. Formerly known as "freedom of association."

diverse, adj . (Applied to a collectivity of persons.) Containing persons of all possible skin colors, sexes, sexual preferences, and immigration statuses, but preferably of identically mainstream (q.v.) opinions.

drastic cuts in government services, n. Reductions in the rate of growth of the rate of growth of the public sector's rate of growth.

education, n. The activity engaged in by members of teachers unions, in the brief intervals between political lobbying, skills-enhancement sabbaticals, etc.

Episcopal Church of the U.S.A., n. A dating service for homosexuals, funded mainly by revenues from ownership of real estate in New York City.

gun lobbies, n. People opposed to the idea that the only armed civilians should be bank robbers.

hate speech, n. Words that are offensive to some powerful interest group.

inappropriate, adj . True, but unmentionable for political reasons.

inclusive, adj . Firm in the belief that no two people ought ever be treated differently by anyone at all in any context at all. Opposite of divisive .

International Criminal Court, n. A gathering of European and Third World left-wing jurists, committed to bringing to trial and punishing Henry Kissinger for the crime of having helped thwart a Communist coup in Chile, thereby depriving the Chilean people of universal free health care and 100 percent literacy (q.v.).

judiciary, n. A body of citizens charged with making those laws that Congress has omitted to make.

law school, n. An institution for the inculcation of politically correct ideas in young adults; a place where the process of extracting new rights and benefits from the Constitution is taught; the natural and proper aspiration for all young persons.

legislature, n. An institution whose purpose is to identify the few dozen noisiest, wealthiest, or most troublesome of many thousands of factions in a state, or in the nation, and to disburse public monies to them. In the event that a faction so identified is already a recipient of public monies, the legislature must ensure that the amount disbursed increases each year.

living wage, n. The latest wage demand by some public-sector labor union.