Letter from Al - satire - Brief Article

To: All Short List Campers

From: Al

RE: Last few questions

Hi there, Short Listers! By now you've all submitted your completed and verified tax returns from 1980 to 2000, and you've met with our people to review any discrepancies that may have arisen. Thanks to you all for a super job! And thanks for being so patient during Jesse's lengthy session with the forensic accountant. Please rest assured that the magazines in the waiting room will be updated ASAP, in time for the cycle of medical evaluations about to begin.

(Note to Kathleen Kennedy Townsend: We are going to provide you with a female medical practitioner for the multi-day physical exam, but the dental exam will be conducted by a male dentist. Hope this is okay with you.)

Are we having fun yet?!

Please note that today's "fun run" is not optional. This is a chance to see how you do on a short photo-op jog alongside me, so please-no tight running shorts, no lycra, no logo-item clothing. There will be a camera test, gang, so try to look your best. What we're going for here is a "candidate and his running mate vigorously exercising together" type thing, so nothing fancy, but you will work up a sweat. (Yes, this includes you, Jesse!) Hair and makeup will not be provided, so come camera-ready!

This afternoon's lecture is entitled "Gore's Vision: A 2000 Odyssey" and will be delivered by me, followed by a Q&A session, in which I will do my best to answer as many of my questions as I have time for.

Tonight, before vespers, Tipper and I are going to have an informal "What to Expect from the Steamboat Tour" chat. As you know, right after the convention, we're all going on a steamboat tour through the battleground states in the South. Tipper and I will be leading an orientation on seasickness, stateroom etiquette, and the six-inches-behind-me rule. Everyone is required to attend! This means you too, Jesse!

Don't forget! Tomorrow, 6:00 A.M.: prayer- breakfast training. Free time until lunch. Tomorrow night: sweat lodge! (Clothing optional.)

There has been some grumbling about the grueling nature of the physical and emotional tests we're putting all Short List Campers through. I want to make it clear that any and all negative comments will be noted and remembered during the crucial "team-player competition" on the final day. As you know, this is the most challenging event of the week here at Short Listers Camp, and those campers who have displayed less-than-stellar team-player characteristics throughout the other events will be required to carry a load of potatoes, roughly me-sized, across hot coals. On the other hand, those who have displayed high team-player attributes will be allowed to move directly to the final "Talk Show Defense" event, where they will be required to answer tough questions about my fund-raising irregularities, propensity for lying, and past support of the tobacco industry. (Please, everyone, thank Tim Russert for graciously agreeing to participate in this event!)

Some of you (yes, Dick Gephardt, the walls have ears!) have been talking a lot amongst yourselves about leaving early, quitting camp, saying things like "I don't need this" and "this is going too far." Look, I know Short Listers Camp is tough-it has to be. The vice presidency is a tough job. Trust me: I wouldn't ask you to do anything that wasn't totally germane to the job.

Let me just close by saying that at last night's campfire social, as I looked around in the firelight at this terrific group of Short Listers, my heart swelled with pride-pride in myself, that I gathered all of you together for this unforgettable week, but also pride in you all, for being so devoted and loyal to me. Only one of you will make it to the "silver circle," but I want you all to know that to me, you're all winners. It's an honor just to have been invited to Short Listers Camp, as I know you all realize.

Good luck to all! Remember: square dancing tonight!

Al

Best Attitude in Camp

George Mitchell
Kathleen Kennedy Townsend
Bob Graham

Need Improvement

Jesse Jackson
Evan Bayh
Dick Gephardt

COPYRIGHT 2000 National Review, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group