Genius at Work - anti-Americanism of Hollywood celebrities - Brief Article

"When I see an American flag flying, it's a joke . . . I'd be very happy to stay [in Britain]. There's nothing in America that I would miss at all."

-- director Robert Altman, in the London Times

"Everyone wants to play a retard."

-- a movie producer, quoted in the New York Post about the current mania among Hollywood actors for mentally handicapped roles.

London -- Expatriate American director Robert Altman today began shooting his new movie, M*U*S*H, which will portray an Al Qaeda army field hospital for mentally-challenged soldiers. Starring are: Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, and numerous other top stars who either detest the United States government or want to play "retards."

"When I heard that Bob was producing a genuinely anti-American movie, I jumped at the chance," said Sean Penn, pulling on a cigarette between close-ups and punching out a reporter.

According to a copy of the script obtained by the reporter after being pummeled by Mr. Penn, the movie satirizes the United States' retaliation against Al Qaeda for the September 11 terrorist attacks. In one scene, President Bush, played by Alec Baldwin, is depicted trying to eat a pretzel through his ear.

While the crew set up a shot in which the American flag is used by Osama bin Laden -- played by Mr. Penn -- to blow his nose, Mr. Altman discussed his disgust with America and the ways in which it has failed him.

"When Bush stole the election last year, with the help of his Enron pals," he said, "I realized that there was no hope for America. Any country that elects a man like George W. Bush deserves to have planes flown into its skyscrapers."

Shooting resumed. The next scene involved President Bush trying to eat an ice-cream cone in the Situation Room, repeatedly shoving it into his forehead while various generals, played by actual inmates of an insane asylum outside London, jump up and down on the table like chimpanzees. Ms. Sarandon plays Daisy Cutter, the sinister director of the Central Intelligence Agency who, it turns out, was actually behind the September 11 attacks. She tosses bananas at the generals while Mr. Baldwin smears ice cream on himself.

"Cut," Mr. Altman barked, evidently unhappy. "Alec, I'm just not believing that you're genuinely retarded in this scene."

Mr. Baldwin then gave a short speech denouncing nuclear power in which he misstated 18 facts.

"Okay," Mr. Altman said. "That's more like it. Show me some of that."

The scene played to Mr. Altman's satisfaction. Ms. Sarandon tells the President that the United States must drop chemical weapons on Taliban madrassa elementary schools because it would be "lots of fun." Mr. Baldwin, appearing to agree, picks up a paperweight and throws it at Vice President Cheney, played by the actor Bob Balaban, who put on 150 pounds for the role.

"Cut. Print," Mr. Altman ordered.

Over a lunch of meat pies and Watney's ale, the 77-year-old director laid out the conditions under which he would return to the United States.

"First, Bush would have to personally apologize to Al Gore, then commit suicide by pretzel -- if he could remember how. That's non-negotiable. Second, the U.S. would have to apologize to the Taliban -- and to me personally -- for bombing them. Third, I could use some new equipment."

Over fish and chips, Mr. Penn and Mr. Baldwin got into a spirited discussion of alternative sources of renewable energy, with Mr. Baldwin suggesting that a "giant windmill, you know, a really big windmill" could generate "like a ton of megavolts." Mr. Penn concurred and called for the assassination of Fox News talk host Bill O'Reilly, then it was back to work.

Before shooting a scene in which Condoleezza Rice plays chopsticks badly on the piano while Karl Rove -- played by the actress Linda Hunt -- plots to steal the 2004 election, Mr. Altman was asked if the movie, which depicts the United States as a joke and the source of all the world's problems, would play well to American audiences.

"I try not to think about that," he said. "I just hold my nose and think of England."

-- Christopher Buckley

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