Daring wives: why women cheat

FORTY PERCENT of women cheat, some research suggests. The incidence of female infidelity has more than doubled in the last 36 years. While men still cheat more than women, the gender gap is closing. Just what is happening to the fair sex?

For one thing, women's sexuality has shifted, as have their choices. The changing roles of women have evolved over a rich, historical, and political landscape. Oppressive eras, draconian double standards, artificial ideals, and unrealistically rigid moralities have taken their toll. Women today are saying, "Enough!"

In the sexually repressive 19th century, the vibrator was developed for male doctors to induce orgasm in female patients. I wonder who benefited the most--the physician or his patient? Back then, women had little voice. Feminism finally gave them one, however. The movement awakened women's consciousness of their desires, needs, and intentions. They found their agency and the will to make choices for change. A curtain ushered in a stage of female actors, diverse, yet united, in their desire for recognition, autonomy, equal power, and the right to express their sexuality. Feminism heralded the inextricable bond between the personal and political, and entwinement of individual psychic selves with sociopolitical constructions.

The workplace gave women greater financial independence, along with a better sense of self-worth. Instead of losing themselves in the role of mother and wife, women have found their mole capacious selves. At work, they get respect. Feeling more competent and autonomous, women are less apt to stay in bad marriages. Not all women have the tools to negotiate a good marriage, communicate needs and desires, resolve differences, be good parental role models, work through their inner demons, or make marriage work. Some women, however, do take a step for change in the marriage. They have an affair.

While not a prudent choice, for some, the affair is daring and desperate--a daring catalyst for change and a desperate plea for help. In the sexually permissive 1960s and '70s, women engaged in promiscuous, casual sex. The conservative 1980s and AIDS changed all that. Many women no longer have affairs just for fun, but for fulfillment.

The pop culture shapes us as we shape it. The popular television show "Desperate Housewives" featured a married woman in her late 20s dallying with her teenaged gardener. In the movie "Unfaithful," an older Diane Lane has a fling with a sexy young hunk. In the film "Closer," wives and husbands engage in multiple affairs. Pop culture is full of sensational stories of women who cheat, but what about the real world? What about regular people? Let's take a peak at a few wives I know.

Debra, a stay-at-home mom, appears to have it all--a handsome, successful husband, two adorable children, and a beautiful home on two acres of land. Actually, home sweet home is not so sweet. Humdrum days spent food shopping, cooking, cleaning, and carting her kids around seem to go on and on forever. She feels trapped, bored, powerless, and lonely. To top it oft, Debra's husband does not get it. He is too busy trying to get ahead to get into her. Along comes an attentive, sexy admirer and bingo!

Sarah, a devoted mother and loving wife, has carved out a successful career. She seemingly has the best of all worlds---only she does not feel that way. "I'm stressed out and ready to explode," she confides. Her guilt about the possibility of leaving her children propels her into overdrive at home. To top it off, our effective firecracker at work cannot get a charge out of her husband. He does not help, nor does he understand her desires or needs--but her co-worker Larry does.

Mary, a scrappy and sexy member of Generation X, is determined not to follow in her mother's footsteps. Her martyr room settled for a secure, dependent, and devoted--but dull--husband. Mary refuses to do the same. She desires committed love in marriage, security, children, and comfort--all the good things. A little like her mom? Not exactly. Mary wants more from her marriage. Along with love, she longs for lust, romance, excitement, and passionate sex. She clearly sees that her husband is not doing it for her. So, what is a restless young wife to do? She finds a sensitive, sexy lover who promises all.

Farrah's flame had died. Wrinkles, sagging skin, backaches, and memory lapses signaled unwanted age-related changes. With aging comes mortality. Farrah's infirm mother heightened her existential angst. Turning to Liam, her husband of 25 years, was a turn off. He had his own midlife crisis. Things looked bleak. Suddenly. the dark cloud that hovered overhead for months gave way to a ray of sunshine. The tall, stocky, matronly looking Farrah was replaced by a willow, curvaceous, youthful one. The smile on her face was outlined with a bright shade of lipstick. The formerly slouched body now was on proud display. The transformation was stunning! Her flame was lit. Mr. Wonderful, a younger man, had everything to do with it.