Battling over bucks in spender-saver marriage

To you, money in the bank equals peace of mind. You gladly make due with your old, paid-for car, last season's fashions, and frequent leftovers in order to shore up that nest egg. Your spouse, however, lives on a different planet. He is cruising dealership lots before the new car smell even wears off his current ride. His closet is bulging with jackets he never wears. He nonchalantly drops $100 on dinner in the middle of the week. Meanwhile--to your dismay, anxiety, and snowballing resentment--he has not saved a cent toward retirement.

Whether you are the scrooge or the spendthrift in the above scenario, you almost certainly have felt some "finance friction" in your marriage. "Our attitudes toward money are so deeply imbedded that we [automatically] believe we are right and our partner is wrong," says financial planner Diane McCurdy, author of How Much is Enough? Balancing Today's Needs with Tomorrow's Retirement Goals.

"You know, 'I am a responsible adult and you are a spoiled child' or 'I like to have some fun in life and you are a miserly kill-joy.' But these kinds of labels are hurtful and, frankly, untrue. Different is not wrong; it is just different. If more clashing couples tried to understand how their partner feels about money--while exploring the roots of their own attitudes--fewer of them would end up in divorce court."

So, if you are a saver married to a spender (or vice versa), what specifically can you do to ensure that the two of you stay together for the long haul, and that when you reach your golden years you are not still bickering---in a cardboard box? McCurdy reveals seven helpful hints:

Make sure you both understand the difference between your money attitudes. Sit down with your partner for a heart-to-heart talk and budget-planning meeting. Lay all the cards on the table. "It's amazing how few couples think to have this calm, rational discussion," notes McCurdy. "But not having it sets the stage for festering resentment, which blows up into arguments."

The saver needs to know that he or she is saving enough off the top to ensure financial security. "Financial security means different things to different people," McCurdy points out. "And compromise is a must. The saver has to realize that maybe she doesn't need $1,000,000 in the bank in the next five years. Maybe it's enough to know the mortgage is being paid every month and that there's not more going out than coming in."

The saver needs to remember why he or she was attracted to the spender in the first place. "It's time to rediscover that warm, generous, fun-to-be-around adventurer again," McCurdy entreats. "Acknowledge that your partner brings qualities to your life that you need--after all, there's a reason you didn't marry a carbon copy of yourself."

The spender needs to recognize that security is the top priority for the saver to stay grounded--and that this very groundedness is pert of what attracted him or her to the saver in the first place. "Spenders tend to be instinctively drawn to people who are solid, dependable, and trustworthy," remarks McCurdy. "To expect your saver partner to be okay with maxing out all the credit cards is like expecting her to suddenly become a different person. It's not fair to her and, frankly, you don't really want that either."

The spender needs to know that he or she can still spend and enjoy life without sabotaging family security. "Savers have to realize that spenders need some 'fun' purchases," advises McCurdy. "Don't try to impose a spartan existence on your spender--it squelches all the joy from his life. Assure the spender that there is a happy medium between his freewheeling old style of spending and never, ever again buying anything fun."

The spender should create a wish list, while recognizing that everything on it cannot be acquired at the same time. "Spenders, make your list and rank what is the most important item for you," McCurdy urges. "Which do you want more, the big screen plasma TV, the fishing boat, or the trip to Jamaica? Once you decide, it gives you something to budget for and anticipate."

If the spender is willing to relinquish control to the saver, there is a bonus: The saver will make it happen faster than the spender. "Letting the saver manage the mutually agreed upon budget may feel to the spender like 'losing,' but it really isn't," McCurdy explains. "Spenders, look at it this way: If your saver is in charge of money outflow, she probably won't dribble the plasma TV fund away on new CDs and five-dollar lattes. You'll eventually get your television set and she'll be secure in the knowledge that you can both retire someday.

"Here's the bottom line," McCurdy concludes. "Money really is just a tool. We are the ones who give it so much emotional power. We would all be better off if we realized there is always more money to be earned and cultivated to fit our needs. We shouldn't allow the dramas we create around financial matters to ruin our marriages. Love does mean so much more than money."

COPYRIGHT 2007 Society for the Advancement of Education
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning