How to have a healthy conversation: when individuals learn to throw off the schackles of predisposition and engage in the art of "soft power," watch the words and passion flow

I. Ralph Hyatt

IF YOU STILL ARE among those people who are jockeying around their lives saddled with the myth that men and women function at two different levels, may I respectfully suggest that you consider galloping off to another planet--like Mars!

A few years back, author John Gray wrote that--at least metaphorically--men come from Mars and women from Venus. Since each speaks a different form of the English language on Earth, he suggested that males and females do not understand what the other is trying to say. Resentment, anger, frustration, and all kinds of other interpersonal troubles are bound to follow. However, just as an American who yearns to live his or her life in Paris may attend Berlitz or a similar institution to learn French--or Spanish if he or she yearns to reside in Spain--so a man may learn "woman-speak" if he wishes to communicate effectively with females. Moreover, a woman may become adept at "man-speak" were she motivated to live happily with all types of male relationships.

Does the human species really possess specific gender behaviors called "woman-speak" and "man-speak"? Do these "differences" actually exist or were they created artificially? Is there scientific evidence for the biological basis of those speaking behaviors? Would it not be simpler and more sensible to assume that language differences between the sexes is an effect of how men and women historically have been treated in our culture--that it is not the result of biological or genetic differences?

Perhaps the feminist movement can offer a clue. Feminism, like racism and poverty, screams about equality, not differences. Like others who feel the sting of any type of discrimination, feminists have been yearning for equal opportunity, status, respect, and power. They resent merely being considered a large slab of humanity called "woman" that requires special roles of anything, including how to be conversed with. They do not monolithically think, feel, need, or talk differently than men. Men and women have similar wants, hopes, and aspirations. Each person has his or her own unique temperamental patterns and intellectual goals. On any particular issue, an open-minded woman unhesitatingly may think and act more like a majority of men than a large group of women chosen at random. With another issue, however, she may agree with the thoughts and actions of the majority of women.

When a man or woman speaks to another man or woman, the question each should ask themselves is, "What is the most effective way of communicating my queries, ideas, or feelings to this particular person?" Stylistic conversational differences between men and women best can be explained by cultural effects. Men generally speak to women the way they do because of the belittling, stonewalling, and injustices women historically have endured in our society. Scientists have not discovered a gene to account for gender language differences. I doubt they ever will. Why should women be spoken to differently than men? Are not both sexes people? There are individual differences among people regardless of sex. Why should useless, destructive myths about sexual group differences be manufactured when it comes to speaking? Is it not wiser to change divisive, repressive conditions in our culture that splinter compassionate, respectful communication between men and women rather than arbitrarily attribute their stylistic conversational differences to natural, innate forces?

Slowly, the status of women has continued to improve. They firmly have woven themselves into the fabric of society. Congresswomen, governors, astronaut commanders, police officers, athletes, CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, sportscasters, television anchors, wrestlers, boxers, Cabinet members, personal trainers, prosecutors, professors, and supervisors of all kinds paint the picture beautifully--and let us not forget those legitimate hopefuls who seek the presidency. Virtually every endeavor performed by men can be duplicated-and even improved upon--by women. It is a question of cooperating and complementing one another, not competing. Moreover, there is no turning back; women never will return to some sort of second-class status.

Equal is equal, as there is a steady transformation to a different style of power afoot; a style I call "soft power," which refers to the simultaneous sensations of calmness and strength as one person engages in casual conversation with another person. Talking to a woman just as he talks to a man will make that man feel quite strong--like he is on a planet full of other people seeking out humans who appeal to him, possessing the courage to understand them just as they are trying to understand him. Sex has no bearing on such behaviors.

Soft power means genuinely expressing one's thoughts, feelings, opinions, needs, and wants to anyone, while not being threatened by the thoughts, feelings, opinions, needs, and wants expressed by anyone else. Soft power strategies include strengthening yourself against being overly sensitive; curtailing the need to control; dampening the desire to dominate; and heeding your sense of humility.

Men, think of this for a moment: Were you to meet Pres. George W. Bush, would you be more careful than usual about what you say and how you say it compared to how you might talk to your best male friend? Of course you would. Yet, they both are men. Were you to meet Hillary Clinton, would you be more sensitive about what you say and how you say it compared to how you might speak to your wife? Of course you would. Yet, they both are women. Effective communication, no matter what the sex, considers the person and context in which the communication takes place. There is no special magic in speaking appropriately to a woman. All effective communication requires common sense, sensitivity, and respect.

Communication, verbal and nonverbal, is your most exquisite behavioral skill and talent. Like most of us, you probably take it for granted. Old habits die hard. Though you may be determined to communicate with women as you would men, your imbedded, former ineffective speaking habits are bound to bounce back. She may say something and--wham!--your well-entrenched style will spill out. It happens all the time. The basic principles of soft power must be learned well and practiced often if they are to become part of who you are or desire to be.

Although the cliche "actions speak louder than words" usually refers to carrying out promises and intentions, it holds true for ordinary human conversations as well. Certain mannerisms--or body language--may accompany your speech, or occur alone. They may become so automatic that you are not even aware they are occurring. A twitch of the lip, a squinting eye, the pitch and loudness of one's voice, or a twist of the shoulder either can send clear or confused messages to the other person. Body language resounds loudly. Silence, an extreme form of nonverbal communication, can speak with powerful repercussions, too. Following are a few illustrations:

Laura had called me the week prior for a professional appointment. When I entered the waiting room to greet her for the first time, I smiled and extended my arm for a handshake. She limply laid her hand into my palm and quickly pulled away. We made our way into the office. After asking her some questions about the reasons for her visit and some past history, I described the nature of our professional relationship and the sessions that would follow.

"I'm not sure that I care to return," she said resentfully. "That's certainly your choice, Laura," I responded supportively. "After all, this is our first meeting and there may be a variety of reasons why you may not want to continue with counseling or with me." She then informed me, "It's the latter, Dr. Hyatt." "I respect your feelings, Laura," I replied. "Would you mind telling me why you feel that way?" She answered, "I think that shaking my hand when we first met was improper." Her lip quivered a bit. "You have every fight to that opinion, Laura. Was there something about the handshake that made you feel uncomfortable?" "Nothing special, doctor," she indicated. "I believe that any kind of body contact between a therapist and his patient isn't right. Others may not care about such things, but I do." There was a sense of disturbance in her voice. "I apologize for having offended you, Laura, and I sincerely appreciate your sharing your feelings with me," I said.

Three weeks later, Laura called for another appointment. Our professional relationship progressed well for another 13 months, after which we agreed that our counseling goals had been met. Interestingly enough, after our final session, she not only hugged me, but kissed my cheek as she left the office. We both smiled knowingly. (Since my initial meeting with Laura, I never have initiated a handshake with clients. I always respond warmly to their handshakes, however.)

Small behaviors, of which you may be totally unaware, can have astonishing effects on another person. I smile to myself even now as I recall a couples counseling session several years hack:

Lilly: We had a battle while coming to you this afternoon, doctor.

Tom: (shuts his eyes tightly)

Lilly: What digs me in my stomach is when Tom makes with his face.

Tom: (peers at her with astonishment)

Lilly: While driving along peacefully, I respectively informed Tom to stop acting like my navigator. His commands still ring in my ears: "Turn right!" "Turn left!" "Red light ahead!" "Brake!" It just didn't stop. I reminded him that I've been driving a long time with no accident record. As I turned my head to look at him, what do I see? His eyes rolling in his head, like he's saying "There she goes again" So I ask, "Am I telling a lie?" He responds with a silly grin, his head nodding up and down like it's on a spring, telling me in his inimitable style that I'm a silly, lying idiot!

Tom: I didn't say a word. All I did was make a motion with my right hand showing her how she was weaving in and out of her lane. She ended up screaming and yelling. I said absolutely nothing, I swear! Isn't that the truth, Lilly?

Lilly: You said nothing, right? So how come I felt like a worthless child from all your put-downs?

Tom admitted after a few role-playing sessions that he had been completely unaware how often he used gestures rather than words to infuriate Lilly. Over the years, his mannerisms had become automatic; he truly did not know when they were occurring. Slowly, he changed, and so did their relationship, for the better.

My client, Laura, felt somewhat violated by my handshake at our first meeting. Since none of my previous clients had responded that way, I erred in assuming everybody would interpret that gesture as warm and supportive. Judgments, by definition, may be incorrect. Our minds therefore must be open and ready to alter those assumptions that turn out to be wrong, and to change our behaviors accordingly.

Then there is opinionated Brent and his somewhat stubborn wife, Jane, who had their share of marital battles. Since both were baseball fans, they creatively developed baseball hand signals to regulate the length and intensity of their "war games," as they humorously referred to their heated arguments. It worked very well for them. When their conversation is moving smoothly, either one may confirm that all is going well ("safe") by passing one hand over the other, both palms facing down. However, when the conversation starts to run afoul, one or the other may form a letter "T" ("time out") by positioning one hand vertically and placing the other hand, palm down, horizontally on top of it. A 10-minute break automatically follows, each retiring to a different room. The conversation then resumes.

The strong, silent type

In previous generations, women often swooned over the strong, take-charge, John Wayne type of guy--one who said little but immediately took matters into his own hands. Women today may not be attracted to that sort of person. Yet, appropriate silence often reflects self-control and inner strength, another form of soft power. Take the following conversation, for instance:

Jean: We haven't heard from your son in days.

Larry: Scott is also your son, dear.

Jean: He just doesn't seem to care about us. We're not getting any younger, you know. You'd think he'd be interested in how his parents are getting along. We may be dead for all he knows.

Larry: You know that he's extremely busy. His law firm has him slaving away day and night, 60, 70 hours a week.

Jean: Making excuses for him again?

Larry: Just trying to see his side of the story. Upsetting yourself won't help the situation any.

Jean: There you go again--understanding everybody but me.

(Larry listens silently)

Jean: He takes after your family--always looking out for himself.

(Larry tenderly grasps her around the shoulder.)

Jean: I'm sorry, Larry, that wasn't fair. I shouldn't be beating up on you because I'm angry at Scott. You really are a wonderful man.

Larry's silence spoke loudly and clearly--vintage soft power, as it surely took plenty of inner strength for him to keep cool. Many of us would have blown our stack, reflexively responding with verbal (hopefully, not physical) retaliations. "Silence is golden" when, to do otherwise, would hurt another person. How simple--and unproductive--it would have been for Larry to respond with a cutting counterattack. That is, how he should not have said it:

* "Why don't you concentrate on our relationship for once in your life, and give Scotty a break."

* "There's nothing holding you back from calling him, is there?"

* "Would you rather I make excuses for your despicable remarks?"

Larry's silence and other nonverbal behaviors illustrate the marvel of soft power. Backing up his silence with gentle body contact melted down Jean's escalating hostility. After his initial verbal supports failed, Larry took full control of the situation without saying a word.

Silence often reflects emotional control, a sign of maturity. It is an opportunity to hear the other side of the story. It allows one to assess the entire situation intelligently so that a reasonable response can be made. Silence can breed confidence, mast, and respect. However, one can be too silent. Silence may reflect distraction by an outside event or inner thoughts. It may be plain social ineptness. Silent people frequently are perceived as bored or boring, or of limited intelligence. They tend to be conversational turnoffs. Who would not be bored with a lump of flesh who sits, stares, and says nothing? If it is a man, he may be perceived as wimpy, lacking confidence or mast--or not really giving a hoot.

When one who once was talkative turns silent with his or her partner, it may signify a relationship that is going downhill quickly. It may represent simmering anger. Haven't you met a spouse or parent who uses silence as a weapon or form of punishment? Silence can be a source of mental pain, equivalent at times, to physical abuse.

Healthy conversation is indeed an art.

I. Ralph Hyatt is Psychology Editor of USA Today and professor emeritus of psychology, Saint Joseph's University, Philadelphia.

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COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning