How to have a healthy conversation: when individuals learn to throw off the schackles of predisposition and engage in the art of "soft power," watch the words and passion flow

The strong, silent type

In previous generations, women often swooned over the strong, take-charge, John Wayne type of guy--one who said little but immediately took matters into his own hands. Women today may not be attracted to that sort of person. Yet, appropriate silence often reflects self-control and inner strength, another form of soft power. Take the following conversation, for instance:

Jean: We haven't heard from your son in days.

Larry: Scott is also your son, dear.

Jean: He just doesn't seem to care about us. We're not getting any younger, you know. You'd think he'd be interested in how his parents are getting along. We may be dead for all he knows.

Larry: You know that he's extremely busy. His law firm has him slaving away day and night, 60, 70 hours a week.

Jean: Making excuses for him again?

Larry: Just trying to see his side of the story. Upsetting yourself won't help the situation any.

Jean: There you go again--understanding everybody but me.

(Larry listens silently)

Jean: He takes after your family--always looking out for himself.

(Larry tenderly grasps her around the shoulder.)

Jean: I'm sorry, Larry, that wasn't fair. I shouldn't be beating up on you because I'm angry at Scott. You really are a wonderful man.

Larry's silence spoke loudly and clearly--vintage soft power, as it surely took plenty of inner strength for him to keep cool. Many of us would have blown our stack, reflexively responding with verbal (hopefully, not physical) retaliations. "Silence is golden" when, to do otherwise, would hurt another person. How simple--and unproductive--it would have been for Larry to respond with a cutting counterattack. That is, how he should not have said it:

* "Why don't you concentrate on our relationship for once in your life, and give Scotty a break."

* "There's nothing holding you back from calling him, is there?"

* "Would you rather I make excuses for your despicable remarks?"

Larry's silence and other nonverbal behaviors illustrate the marvel of soft power. Backing up his silence with gentle body contact melted down Jean's escalating hostility. After his initial verbal supports failed, Larry took full control of the situation without saying a word.

Silence often reflects emotional control, a sign of maturity. It is an opportunity to hear the other side of the story. It allows one to assess the entire situation intelligently so that a reasonable response can be made. Silence can breed confidence, mast, and respect. However, one can be too silent. Silence may reflect distraction by an outside event or inner thoughts. It may be plain social ineptness. Silent people frequently are perceived as bored or boring, or of limited intelligence. They tend to be conversational turnoffs. Who would not be bored with a lump of flesh who sits, stares, and says nothing? If it is a man, he may be perceived as wimpy, lacking confidence or mast--or not really giving a hoot.

When one who once was talkative turns silent with his or her partner, it may signify a relationship that is going downhill quickly. It may represent simmering anger. Haven't you met a spouse or parent who uses silence as a weapon or form of punishment? Silence can be a source of mental pain, equivalent at times, to physical abuse.