How to have a healthy conversation: when individuals learn to throw off the schackles of predisposition and engage in the art of "soft power," watch the words and passion flow

Three weeks later, Laura called for another appointment. Our professional relationship progressed well for another 13 months, after which we agreed that our counseling goals had been met. Interestingly enough, after our final session, she not only hugged me, but kissed my cheek as she left the office. We both smiled knowingly. (Since my initial meeting with Laura, I never have initiated a handshake with clients. I always respond warmly to their handshakes, however.)

Small behaviors, of which you may be totally unaware, can have astonishing effects on another person. I smile to myself even now as I recall a couples counseling session several years hack:

Lilly: We had a battle while coming to you this afternoon, doctor.

Tom: (shuts his eyes tightly)

Lilly: What digs me in my stomach is when Tom makes with his face.

Tom: (peers at her with astonishment)

Lilly: While driving along peacefully, I respectively informed Tom to stop acting like my navigator. His commands still ring in my ears: "Turn right!" "Turn left!" "Red light ahead!" "Brake!" It just didn't stop. I reminded him that I've been driving a long time with no accident record. As I turned my head to look at him, what do I see? His eyes rolling in his head, like he's saying "There she goes again" So I ask, "Am I telling a lie?" He responds with a silly grin, his head nodding up and down like it's on a spring, telling me in his inimitable style that I'm a silly, lying idiot!

Tom: I didn't say a word. All I did was make a motion with my right hand showing her how she was weaving in and out of her lane. She ended up screaming and yelling. I said absolutely nothing, I swear! Isn't that the truth, Lilly?

Lilly: You said nothing, right? So how come I felt like a worthless child from all your put-downs?

Tom admitted after a few role-playing sessions that he had been completely unaware how often he used gestures rather than words to infuriate Lilly. Over the years, his mannerisms had become automatic; he truly did not know when they were occurring. Slowly, he changed, and so did their relationship, for the better.

My client, Laura, felt somewhat violated by my handshake at our first meeting. Since none of my previous clients had responded that way, I erred in assuming everybody would interpret that gesture as warm and supportive. Judgments, by definition, may be incorrect. Our minds therefore must be open and ready to alter those assumptions that turn out to be wrong, and to change our behaviors accordingly.

Then there is opinionated Brent and his somewhat stubborn wife, Jane, who had their share of marital battles. Since both were baseball fans, they creatively developed baseball hand signals to regulate the length and intensity of their "war games," as they humorously referred to their heated arguments. It worked very well for them. When their conversation is moving smoothly, either one may confirm that all is going well ("safe") by passing one hand over the other, both palms facing down. However, when the conversation starts to run afoul, one or the other may form a letter "T" ("time out") by positioning one hand vertically and placing the other hand, palm down, horizontally on top of it. A 10-minute break automatically follows, each retiring to a different room. The conversation then resumes.