How to have a healthy conversation: when individuals learn to throw off the schackles of predisposition and engage in the art of "soft power," watch the words and passion flow

Men, think of this for a moment: Were you to meet Pres. George W. Bush, would you be more careful than usual about what you say and how you say it compared to how you might talk to your best male friend? Of course you would. Yet, they both are men. Were you to meet Hillary Clinton, would you be more sensitive about what you say and how you say it compared to how you might speak to your wife? Of course you would. Yet, they both are women. Effective communication, no matter what the sex, considers the person and context in which the communication takes place. There is no special magic in speaking appropriately to a woman. All effective communication requires common sense, sensitivity, and respect.

Communication, verbal and nonverbal, is your most exquisite behavioral skill and talent. Like most of us, you probably take it for granted. Old habits die hard. Though you may be determined to communicate with women as you would men, your imbedded, former ineffective speaking habits are bound to bounce back. She may say something and--wham!--your well-entrenched style will spill out. It happens all the time. The basic principles of soft power must be learned well and practiced often if they are to become part of who you are or desire to be.

Although the cliche "actions speak louder than words" usually refers to carrying out promises and intentions, it holds true for ordinary human conversations as well. Certain mannerisms--or body language--may accompany your speech, or occur alone. They may become so automatic that you are not even aware they are occurring. A twitch of the lip, a squinting eye, the pitch and loudness of one's voice, or a twist of the shoulder either can send clear or confused messages to the other person. Body language resounds loudly. Silence, an extreme form of nonverbal communication, can speak with powerful repercussions, too. Following are a few illustrations:

Laura had called me the week prior for a professional appointment. When I entered the waiting room to greet her for the first time, I smiled and extended my arm for a handshake. She limply laid her hand into my palm and quickly pulled away. We made our way into the office. After asking her some questions about the reasons for her visit and some past history, I described the nature of our professional relationship and the sessions that would follow.

"I'm not sure that I care to return," she said resentfully. "That's certainly your choice, Laura," I responded supportively. "After all, this is our first meeting and there may be a variety of reasons why you may not want to continue with counseling or with me." She then informed me, "It's the latter, Dr. Hyatt." "I respect your feelings, Laura," I replied. "Would you mind telling me why you feel that way?" She answered, "I think that shaking my hand when we first met was improper." Her lip quivered a bit. "You have every fight to that opinion, Laura. Was there something about the handshake that made you feel uncomfortable?" "Nothing special, doctor," she indicated. "I believe that any kind of body contact between a therapist and his patient isn't right. Others may not care about such things, but I do." There was a sense of disturbance in her voice. "I apologize for having offended you, Laura, and I sincerely appreciate your sharing your feelings with me," I said.