Divorced parents shouldn't compete

Competition and unrealistic expectations ramp up stress around the holidays, cautions Robert Billingham, an associate professor in the Human Development and Family Studies Program at Indiana University, Bloomington. "The holidays are about family, but we become victimized by the belief that everyone's supposed to be joyful and happy. We set the expectations too high to begin with."

Pressure mounts to give impressive gifts. This competition can exacerbate tenuous relationships involving divorced couples. Billingham offers the following tips:

* Focus on the meaning of the holiday, not the problems (such as finances and travel). "The holidays deal with the appreciation for what we have, the fact that we have enough to survive, to exist, and to be comfortable. It is very simplistic, but the more we can focus on those types of issues and less on things such as the perfect family image or the perfect holiday image, we're better off."

* Volunteer at a charity. Billingham recommends hands-on work, as opposed to writing a check, because it makes the experience more personal and helps people appreciate their own good fortune.

* Establish a family gift exchange-they can be a lot of fun and save family members time and money.

* Turn off the television when the family is together or sitting down to dinner. Instead, encourage everyone to talk about the past year and what they will be doing in the coming one. "It's almost a lost art, to go around a circle and share," laments Billingham.

* Divorced parents should contact each other to discuss spending limits and gifts, so they do not buy their children the same thing. Parents jointly should purchase a large present for their kids while still giving them smaller ones individually. "This communicates that we don't live together, but we're not going to compete against each other," Billingham says. "It's very respectful."

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COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning