Miscellaneous meanderings

THERE ARE MANY GOOD THINKERS around, but most are slow on the draw to respond to clever remarks with a witticism of their own. Only later do they think of an appropriate comeback. Well, here are a few items to store in your memory bank for such occasions.

In describing a nonstop talker, one might characterize him as holding up his end of the conversation to the point of being perpendicular.

A good description of a braggart is a self-made man who adores his maker.

Something more subtle is to say of a haughty executive that he is one of the big guns of industry--having been fired several times.

To those number-crunchers, who now play a major role in our computerized society, is the reminder of the statistician who drowned crossing a river that, on average, was a mere two feet deep.

The Evangelical Bible-thumper preaching that we should endure hardship now, for our reward will be great in the next life, is in need of the Chinese proverb rejoinder, "Better an egg today than a hen tomorrow."

After hearing a glorious eulogy given to someone who never deserved it, there is the caustic comment that, of course he was a good man--in the worst sense of the term!

For the indecisive person who continually hems and haws, there is the observation that, what the world needs are more one-armed people--that way, he or she cannot say, "On the other hand...."

If you ever need to make an unapologetic apology, try, "I was wrong and I am sorry."

About the author who has literary diarrhea is the fitting rebuke, "He writes more than he knows."

To the thought police who insist on a misguided political correctness, it should be pointed out that political correctness is but a more polite form of tyranny.

The extreme rationalists, such as Mr. Spock of "Star Trek," deserve the response that, "Heart has its reasons that reason will never understand." A re-enforcer of this is, "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye."

A good response of a boss to a complaining worker is, "I don't get ulcers. I give 'em!"

If someone fails to grasp your point, tell the individual that it is understandable as, to the blind, all things are sudden.

A feminist might rail at a male chauvinist that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Shifting gears a bit, let's look at some of the countless incongruities and ironies that should be seen as more than just simple oxymorons: Nowadays, one goes to the theatre to be edified and the church to be entertained. God cannot alter the past, but historians can. A circle is less vicious the bigger it is. Furthermore, to those who pooh-pooh the symbolic, they should be reminded that a symbol merely is a visible sign on the invisible--such as the American flag. Moreover, if your heart won't let you, your mind can't make you. Things mean more than what they are. If men were horses, their god would look like a horse.

Indeed, more comic than ironic are the erectile dysfunction ads for men, showing a woman in the background virtually lusting for sex. This surely does not square with reality, especially if she is presumed to be married to the man.

Every beginner is a skeptic, but every skeptic is only a beginner.

The idea is not to understand history; the idea is to change it.

If one is certain that one has faith, then one can be certain one does not have it. Can there be anything more incongruous than being an intellectual and a religious fundamentalist?

A recent biannual conference of U.S. Catholic Bishops announced "'a new English translation that would change prayers ingrained in American parishioners." The alterations were miniscule and few, but would be more faithful to the Latin. In the Nicene Creed, for example, the change would be from "We believe" to "I believe." After all the pedophile scandals, this is like the mountain heaving and groaning and then giving birth to a mouse!

Some of the greatest con artists have plied their trade under the aegis of religion. Jimmy and Tammy Baker are examples. So is Jimmy Swaggart. Compared to them, Sinclair Lewis' fictional Elmer Gantry, was a piker. Along these lines, the sainted Indian nun, Mother Teresa, who led so many to work with the poor and sick, accepted a considerable sum of money as a gift from Charles Keating, the man imprisoned in the Savings and Loan scandal. There never was any mention that I know of that she ever returned the filthy lucre.

Now that the Massachusetts Supreme Court permits gay marriages, it is but one step away from letting women marry their cats, and men their dogs.

Finally, our views of nature have changed 180[degrees]. Formerly, nature was more like a creel stepmother than the nurturing and benign mother of environmentalists today. The fact is--continuing in that anthropomorphic vein--nature uses us and abuses us, as we do it. Nevertheless, in the long run, it is nature that will prevail--with or without us. The mountains do not care whether we live or die. They seek only to preserve themselves against the onslaught of the elements that could erode them. The same is true of rivers that forever seek to level all things--to wear down precipices and eliminate waterfalls. Eventually, they too will prevail. When will we learn that humans are but a microscopic speck in the universe--and that, more of us than not, suffer badly from hubris?