Don't end up fathering by default

DO YOU MAKE an effort to father your son? At first glance, this seems like a ludicrous question. Didn't you provide half his genetic material? Don't you go out every day and earn a living to keep a roof over his head and food on the table? Don't you take him on vacation and attend his Little League games? However, there is a difference between being a father and actively, consciously, deliberately fathering, maintains author Stephan B. Poulter in Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You've Always Wanted to Be. Many men put more thought into how to pursue their careers than into how they influence their sons--and that can be a problem. If you do not pay attention, you will end up fathering by default--a mode that most likely was determined by your own father.

"It's not that men who are less-than-ideal fathers don't love their sons," explains Poulter. "They do love them desperately, but fathering is a learned skill, and there's much more to it than paying bills and playing an occasional game of catch in the backyard. Fathering your son means connecting with him on a deep, emotional level."

A big part of becoming a good dad, Poulter contends, has to do with exploring your relationship with your own father. He calls this process of introspection "going into the cave" Once you have confronted your past and forgiven your father--and yourself--for any sins or missteps, you can emerge from "the cave" better equipped to forge a strong, healthy bond with your own son. Poulter says there are five fundamental fathering styles and, while you may employ elements of all five, one of them will predominate:

Super Achiever. This father is a man who never received nurturing from his own dad. In order to compensate for this loss of emotional support, he develops a competitive nature that always is seeking perfection and manifests in a hypercritical outlook. This is one reason men frequently engage in cruel teasing; it is a way of unloading all the anger and self-hatred they harbor. It also is why they constantly criticize and are hostile to their sons. As fathers get in their verbal digs, spend little time with their offspring, and always demand perfection, their sons feel like losers if they are not the very best at whatever they are doing.

Time Bomb. This style is based solely on the fear factor. Authority in this house is maintained by sheer volume of emotional expression. The use of threatening language, anger, yelling, and promises of physical violence are the status quo. The norm is the unpredictability of this father's response to anything and everything. Even the most harmless of comments can set off an explosion. These do not have to be alcohol related, but many times are fueled by it. The son is in a constant state of chaos and fear--nothing feels safe to him, and everyone in the house is sensitized to the situation. This boy is the first stop for the father's abuse in all its forms: physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, and mental.

Passive. Mainstream culture refers to this parent as the "1950s Ozzie Nelson, Leave It to Beaver, Father Knows Best" type. He is stable, consistent, hard-working, calm, and reserved. He never would contemplate or engage in any type of self-destructive behavior toward his son, family, or self. What is missing, however, is a strong emotional connection between father and son. While they do not fight or have any animosity between them, they lack energy, understanding, and a willingness to display love toward--and support for--one another. Sons of passive fathers grow into men who are unable to express themselves emotionally. Since Mom handled the emotional expression duties in the family, the son assumes that his wife also will take on this role.

Absent. The "absent" style of fathering can be literal (a deadbeat dad who abandons his son) or figurative (emotionally or intellectually absent), but inevitably leads to the son's profound sadness and anger. The natural psychological response to a loss is fear, pain, and then anger to cover up the wound. A father's death also is a loss, but his involuntary departure versus the voluntary exit creates a different type of effect on the son. Typically, boys cope with absent fathers in a number of ways. They become overachievers, attempting to be the man their fathers never were and thereby please their mothers. They also personalize their fathers' indifference and rejection, assuming they are at fault for his departure. Third, they take their anger out on society and the people closest to them. Trusting relationships are difficult to form, which is why so many of them have difficulty working with others, especially male bosses. These men are not sure why they distrust, disdain, and dislike male authority figures, and this lack of insight may seem irrational from an outside perspective.

Compassionate mentor. This style, as the name implies, combines emotional intelligence with a wise teacher approach. Sons feel that their dads are making them their number-one priority, and fathers are willing to do whatever it takes to raise their sons properly. These fathers provide an emotional safe harbor in which the toddler, preteen, and young man feels he can take chances, fail, and still be surrounded by his dad's love. Moreover, fathers help their sons learn how to reason by allowing for the difference of opinions that independent reason produces. Rather than ignore or mock their son's arguments, these individuals encourage their offspring to think for themselves.