Why the Incredible Hulk is batting cleanup

CAN'T THE CLOWNS who run major league baseball make up their minds? First, they were against drugs that hun performance (unless it really is possible to locate the strike zone better when stoned or flying on coke). Now, they are against drags that enhance performance (unless you thought Barry Bonds taking on the body and personality of the Incredible Hulk was a coincidence). Worse, there is all this ludicrous handwringing about the integrity of the game, how once-sacred records have been broken because contemporary players are bulking up on the illegal juice served up by the BALCOs of the world.

Puh-lease. If all it takes to be a good ballplayer is a steroid-induced, muscle-laden body, the entire membership of the World Wrestling Federation would be on George Steinbrenner's payroll. (If the truth be told, the Yankees stopped winning World Series titles once they got rid of first baseman Tino Martinez (lean and sinewy) and replaced him with a muscle-bound maniac from the Oakland Athletics (no names, please; he may know where I live). Doubters are referred to the fact that the Bronx Bombers won four Fall Classics in five seasons (1996-2000) with Martinez manning first, and none since. Last season, they even were upended in the Series by the once-lowly Florida Marlins, who only snuck (sorry. we refuse to use sneaked) into the playoffs as a wildcard entry.

Speaking of World Series wins, my Giants are in the same spot with the barrel-chested Bonds as they were without him--sans a championship. In fact, it's too bad that steroids have failed to induce Barry the Brat--or a countless number of his contemporaries, for that matter--to run out grounders and pop ups. Seems it's beneath the modern athlete to give a 100% effort whether he possesses chemically-enhanced superpowers or not.

Seriously, where does this hypocrisy and madness end? Major League Baseball, from both the labor and management sides, has known for years that one of the main reasons home run totals have been skyrocketing is steroids and the keepers of the game were glad of it. The subtleties of our National Pastime have long since disappeared, relegated, as the cliche goes, to the dustbin of history. More home runs means more excitement, which, in turn, translates into more fans and advertising dollars. The modern fan may not tolerate snorting cocaine in the bullpen, but he sure does not seem to mind steroid-powered longballs clearing the fence at a record pace. Of course, whether what we are witnessing today actually is good baseball is an argument for another day.

Naturally, any perceived crisis in an election year--the sighting (and citing) of Janet Jackson's ample breast, for instance--results in special Congressional hearings. Wasn't it wonderful to hear all our elected representatives hemming and hawing about illegal supplements while Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig sat there lying through his teeth, feigning concern? News flash fellas: There's not a thing you can do about it. Baseball's slap-on-the-wrist drug policy was reached through the collective bargaining process. Mr. Rightousness himself, George W. Bush, is powerless to change it.

Which brings us to the more important question and the crux of the real crisis: How in the world are drugs of any kind deemed illegal in the first place? As long as the apples and oranges are rolling here, allow me to refer you to the first season of the crime-drama "NYPD Blue." Detective John Kelly is worried about a certain detective's gambling problem and resulting erratic behavior. Kelly's partner, Andy Sipowicz (certainly no stronger to trouble or erratic behavior) pooh-poohs the concerns. Says Andy: "If he wants to get drunk every night and blow his paycheck at the track, hey ... that's why they fought the Revolution."

Exactly! Can't government stop snooping into what everyone is doing behind closed doors for even a second? More importantly, when is this ridiculous war on drugs going to end? Our prisons are overflowing with nonviolent offenders who have done nothing more than seek out their little piece of nirvana through drug use. (Same for ballplayers: if they want to risk shortened life spans in the hopes of hitting a base ball farther, well ... have at it, boys.) When government legislates morality, bad laws invariably are the result. Moreover, bad laws only create disrespect for the law as well as a nation of lawbreakers. (Witness the gay marriage phenomenon.) No set of laws, no matter how onerous, ever will prevent a junkie from sticking a needle in his arm; a cokehead from risking his job to snort up in the bathroom; some college kid from smoking a joint during a concert; or Mr. and Mrs. Middle Class from washing down a couple of painkillers with a glass of wine before watching a favorite show on HBO.

It is so ironic, and so sad, actually, that we live in a country that cannot wait to run around the world sticking guns down other nations' throats in the name of freedom and democracy while persecuting its own citizens for exercising personal choice and free will. Let's be clear. This is not some clarion call for citizens to indulge in the pleasures (or consequences) of drug use. Rather, it is about picking your battles. I just do not see any sense in this one at all, either between the lines or outside them.