Working with Challenging Groups of Girls - social and psychological issues in running a girls resident camp

Dear Bob,

We have operated a girls resident camp in the Northeast for more than forty years. Recently, the behavior of many of our girls has become much more challenging. While we have many wonderful moments of friendship, stewardship, and closeness in our camp community, we see girls who are mean and hostile toward one another with much infighting and clique-like behavior.

Our greatest concern is when a bunk has trouble getting along because of jealousies, competition, and fighting. Girls seem to exclude one another, struggle with issues of loyalty, and often act resentful toward adults who intervene. What thoughts do you have about how to work with groups of girls like this?

- Listening in Earnest

Dear Listening,

Over the past few years, more camps have reported groups of girls who seem less able to get along. Several thoughts as to why this seems to be generally true exist. Some observers think girls today have been greatly influenced by ubiquitous advertisements in the media depicting young women as seductive, slim "objects," subservient to the needs of men. These same experts see girls mimicking the rude, aggressive, and inappropriate behavior depicted on TV soaps. Others feel that fewer caring adult women are present at significant times in the lives of girls to help them sort through just what it means to be a woman. Still others feel that girls reflect the trend in our culture where a premium value is placed on power (money, position, and status) and where loyalty to friends and true community are neither practiced nor held in high regard. Whatever the causes, the question becomes: What can you do about it?

Issues That Influence Girls

Let me acknowledge that this is a far-too-complicated topic for me to do justice here. However, let me review what I think are some of the core issues that may form an undercurrent in the groups you describe: the caretaking role of women, self-sacrifice, and relationship.

Female culture mandates

Girls often find their own aspirations at odds with the way our culture portrays women to be beholden to the needs of others. Popular culture frequently depicts females as caretakers, sacrificing themselves for family and friends. In real life, this caring for others can evolve into a kind of over dependence, where a girl abandons or forgoes her own dreams, desires, or ambitions in order to serve others at the exclusion of herself, Women I have interviewed recognize this cultural influence in their own lives and have even commented that their orientation to serve others was so strong that it operated at the expense of truly knowing themselves.

Two conflicting voices

For years, girls have learned to have two voices: one that is fashioned for the public and fits with what girls believe is culturally acceptable, ladylike, or feminine; and another that is private and more representative of a girl's true self. The public voice stifles the direct expression of anger and is loyal at all costs. The "inner voice" often becomes lost or faint unless it is echoed or encouraged by a caring adult female. Indeed, many girls I talk with are keenly aware that they hold back some of their true thoughts and feelings if they sense they might upset or hurt others.

Many girls get caught between the worlds these voices represent. For example, girls tell me that they feel compelled to go along with what the popular girls do and say, even if it is at odds with their own values or beliefs, or risk losing their connection to others. One girl at camp confessed, "I hate some of the things my 'friends' do, like picking on other girls and doing risky things. But if I speak up, I'll find myself all alone - on the outside."

Indeed, a girl's greatest concern may be staying in relationships with other girls. "Relationship," says Carol Gilligan, noted Harvard researcher and author of the ground-breaking book In a Different Voice, "is the central organizing force in female development." Girls who are considered a threat or who do not go along with the dictates of the most popular girls are often dealt the worst possible punishment they can imagine: the loss of connection to or relationship with others in the group.

This is a painful time for girls. Some struggle to be true to themselves and are conflicted about just how much they have to give up to fit in. Others are genuinely confused about whether being a loyal friend means having to agree on everything, even when you secretly don't. Many girls between eleven and fourteen rebel against what they perceive as the subservient role culture is handing them, resulting in defiant, quarrelsome behavior. All these girls need help and guidance.

Change by Challenge

One way to address the social dysphoria (e.g., cliques, exclusive behavior, and gossip) among girls in the bunk is to shift the action to activities. Until recently, a girl who pursued her own interests was often considered selfish, unladylike (a tomboy), or unattractively aggressive. Today, many camps provide a wonderful set of expanded options for girls, promoting appropriate risk-taking and modeling a wide range of activities and balanced behaviors.