It could happen

Mike Kilduff

Here's your blueprint for the 2001 season--and if it doesn't unfold like this, well, then Tony Siragusa's name is not T.Sir

Don't call him Tony. Don't call him Goose. And don't use either his full name or Siragusa anymore, because he's not responding to any of the things we're accustomed to calling the Ravens' defensive lineman with his own gravitational pull.

He's too big for that.

He realized this during a trip to London, and the cameras of HBO were there to catch the Baltimore blob's epiphany during a mid-afternoon dine on the Thames.

"Everywhere in this town, they keep saying to me, `Tea, sir? Tea, sir?' and I have no clue," explains this ZIP code with legs. "That's when it hit me. I am an international star. I'm every bit as popular as Jennifer Lopez. And what do they call her now?"

J.Lo.

"From now on, just call me T. Sir," says the mountain with a passport.

That's what he wants over his locker and on the back of his jersey: T. Sir. When word of this reaches the team's headquarters, coach Brian Billick shrugs his shoulders and says, "If he wants to be like J.Lo, then it's fine by me as long as I don't have to look at him wearing that dress she was barely wearing at the Grammys."

Nothing can faze these Ravens. During the last 18 months, this franchise has dealt with its best player in court on double murder charges, a stretch of five games without a touchdown, a Super Bowl championship and the all-access presence of HBO cameras and the uncensored broadcast of the team's training camp.

America might love reality-based television, but there is no drama that can match the stranger-than-fiction happenings of a typical NFL season, and for the 2001 season it all begins with ...

Week 1: While admitting to a fondness for those one-piece jump suits that astronauts wear, Raiders owner A1 Davis launches the new season by filing suit against the NFL because the league sabotaged his plans to move the team to a new stadium at the International Space Station, which won a bidding war when the Mir Space Station refused to make upgrades in its infrastructure.

Week 2: Rookie Fox Sports NFL analyst Troy Aikman is struck in the head by an errant sound boom, forcing the network to hold the former Cowboys quarterback out of this week's broadcast for precautionary reasons.

Week 3: The Eagles visit Seattle, where Philadelphia coach Andy Reid and Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren secretly swap places for the first half. The switch goes undetected until CBS newsman Dan Rather tunes in and then goes on the air immediately with this report: "While the two coaches look similar, right now Reid has a belly that is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O."

Week 4: Henpecked New York cornerback Jason Sehorn misses the first half of a game against the Saints when he refuses to dress for the Giants' game in East Rutherford, N.J., because their home blue-top uniforms are not what Angie put out for him to wear that day. Finally able to reach his wife on the set of her new movie, Sehorn gets permission to wear whatever he wants in the second half as well as to go out with the guys after the game--as long as he calls Angie first to tell her where they are going.

Week 5: Coach Bill Belichick, who in August suspended Terry Glenn for the season, must endure another anemic offensive showing by his Patriots, who have yet to score in five games. Belichick continues to insist there is no animosity between him and the talented-but-troubled wide receiver, even though the nameplate on the coach's office door has been replaced with the words: She Hate Me.

Week 6: A promotional giveaway turns ugly and dangerous in Cincinnati, where during a blowout loss to Cleveland--the Browns!--the fans bite the heads off their Bengals bobble head dolls and pelt the team's pathetic trio of quarterbacks and their teammates with the chewed-off parts.

Week 7: Upset at his team's poor conditioning and dispirited play, Lions president Matt Millen fires coach Marty Mornhinweg and hires no-nonsense former attorney general Janet Reno, who storms the gates of the Silverdome in a pre-dawn raid with tanks and a SWAT team and uses tear gas to restore order to the lineup.

Week 8: The season is half over and already Bills starting quarterback Rob Johnson has been sidelined by the hiccups, a paper cut and a severe case of cotton mouth. Buffalo coach Gregg Williams, who is unhappy with the backups' performance running the team's new West Coast offense, signs resilient spokes-doll Buddy Lee to start at quarterback against the Chargers. In his first game, Lee is sacked six times but emerges unhurt and manages to direct the Bills to a victory. After the game, Williams says, "Buddy ain't that tall, but the guys sure like playing for him and you can't argue with his record as a starter."

Week 9: In honor of the one-year anniversary of the botched presidential election, Florida secretary of state Katherine Harris and the Bush twins conduct the coin toss before the Dolphins-Panthers game at Pro Player Stadium. Jenna Bush refuses to toss the ceremonial coin, however, until somebody puts out a wooden table and a beer glass for her to bounce the coin into. Harris seizes the coin from Jenna, grabs the microphone from the referee and announces, "I can certify that it was going to be heads and therefore the Dolphins have won the Super Bowl."

Week 10: Health authorities in England trace the latest European outbreak of mad cow disease back to the visit by T.Sir. The league suspends T.Sir, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention quarantines him, but HBO responds by giving T.Sir a weekly half-hour show.

Week 11: A landmark decision sure to reverberate through all of sports is handed down by the U.S. Supreme Court, which awards Broncos running back Terrell Davis the use of a golf cart on the sideline as well as to and from the Denver huddle.

Week 12: After passing the Cowboys to a Thanksgiving Day victory over the highly touted Broncos--a win that was cemented when the battery in Davis' golf cart went dead--Dallas quarterback Quincy Carter runs like Terrell Owens to the star at midfield in Texas Stadium, where he rips off one of those false-face masks and reveals his true identity: Jerry Jones.

Week 13: Brett Favre arrives for a Monday night game in Jacksonville, Fla., with his broken fingers taped together, his broken arms in plaster casts and his head restricted by a halo device. That morning, he is the first male human to give birth. In the afternoon, he is abducted by a UFO and endures an alien probe. That night, he arrives by ambulance and, before entering the game, he stands up from his wheelchair and pulls an intravenous needle from his right arm. He then passes for 350 yards and three touchdowns, including a bounce pass off of Jaguars cornerback Aaron Beasley into Antonio Freeman's arms for the game-winning touchdown in overtime. Favre's triumph over pain is so touching that even Jags coach Tom Coughlin cracks a smile.

Week 14: In response to criticism that the league treats quarterbacks like Faberge eggs and comes down too hard on the violence that is at the heart of the game's popularity, the league's new director of officiating, Vince McMahon, announces new scoring rules for the 2002 season. Teams will get one point for a hit that knocks off a helmet or any other article of clothing; two points for a hit that sends an opponent to the sideline on a stretcher, and three points for a hit that spills bodily fluids on the field.

Week 15: Admittedly jealous about the number of acting gigs that teammate Jason Sehorn is getting, Giants defensive lineman Michael Strahan takes a sabbatical from football to film a movie. Strahan is playing the lead role in Shrek 2, because the cartoon character from Dream Works SKG's original movie has signed with the Chargers and already is a starter in their offensive line.

Week 16: Rumors of a Bill Parcells takeover of the NFL franchise in Tampa Bay become so rampant that Bucs coach Tony Dungy gets a little jumpy about his job security--even with one of the best records in the NFC. Dungy admits to seeing Parcells' face in place of the skull on the team's logo and hearing Parcells' voice coming from the rolls on Jerry Wunsch's belly.

Week 17: The Rams and Colts wear grooves into the Dome at America's Center artificial turf and short-circuit the scoreboard with an offensive display reminiscent of the late 1970s and early '80s ... in the NBA. The final tally--Rams 102, Colts 101--prompts the league to hire NASCAR and FIFA to consult on future offensive restrictions. The auto-racing people suggest restrictor plates for receivers and running backs and recommend the HANS device for defenders. Hearing this, the soccer people report back with two words: No hands.

Postseason: A preseason knee injury to starting quarterback Trent Green can't derail coach Dick Vermeil from his date with destiny, which comes in the form of another trip to the Super Bowl. However, Vermeil is reduced to tears as the Chiefs are defeated by their former coach, Marty Schottenheimer. Redskins owner Daniel Snyder celebrates the title by offering fans half-price tickets to a victory parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.

E-mail senior editor Mike Kilduff at mkilduff@sportingnews.com.

COPYRIGHT 2001 Sporting News Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning