Tips For Single Moms

Nicole Walker

SHE is often portrayed as an underage, barely educated, welfare recipient. She is frequently accused of raising juvenile delinquents and menaces to She is constantly blamed for the moral decay of the nation.

She is the single mother. She may be your aunt, your sister, your girlfriend. Even your own mother.

She could be you.

Raising a child alone probably isn't the ideal, but it is an increasing reality. Single mothers have changed the face of the American family. Some experts speculate that more than half of the nation's households now are headed by single mothers. They represent all classes, creeds, incomes. They come from all walks of life. They face the same challenges that affect all parents--having enough money to pay the bills, finding time and energy for their children amidst hectic work schedules, making sure their sons and daughters' needs are met. And regardless of the circumstances surrounding their solo-parenting status--a divorce, a mate's death, abandonment, an adoption or a child as a single person, or personal preference--most of these mothers share the desire to be the best possible parent for their children.

Many are like Yolanda McGruder. She's 25, college-educated and raising her 2-year-old son, William, alone. She works two jobs to make ends meet, one as a teacher assistant at a Chicago school, the other as a sales associate at a department store. Like many women who face the prospect of single motherhood, when things failed to work out with her child's father, McGruder wondered if she had what it took to be a successful single mother. "At first I was scared," she admits, "because I didn't know what to do. I knew that, financially, I was not ready. But I felt it was my time to have [a child], and after I found out I was pregnant, I just fell in love with the child inside."

That love for their children is what sustains these mothers when money is tight, daddy is nowhere to be found, and heartache is their only companion.

GETTING OVER GUILT--AND GETTING ON

A single mother's greatest enemy is perhaps the feeling that she has failed as a parent for not providing a father for her child. McGruder herself reveals that at one point when things got rough for her, especially from a financial standpoint, she held her son in her arms and told him, over and over, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Experts like Kelly Williams, author of Single Mamahood: Advice and Wisdom for the African-American Single Mother, say it's not uncommon for single mothers to feel guilt, regret or even frustration with their circumstances. "Sometimes you feel disappointed because you know in your heart that this is not the ideal--that every child deserves to be brought up in a home with his or her mother and father," admits Williams, who was single when her 12-year-old son, Winston, was born. Later she married her son's father because she felt "it was the right thing to do," but split from him less than a year later. "But you have to say that since these are the cards that were dealt to me, I'll play this hand as best as I can. I'm going to make sure that I'm doing everything that I can to make sure my child has as many benefits as he possibly can."

McGruder may have her moments of insecurity about her ability to raise her son by herself, just as Williams and most single mothers have. Still, she finds the inner strength to do whatever it takes to raise her son. "You can't go back in time and change what has happened," she says, "It's done now; there are no regrets. You just have to get stronger and keep on going."

FORMING SUPPORT NETWORKS

It's easy for a single mother to feel like she's alone in her struggle--that it's her and her child against the world. But while traditional avenues of support may not be available to her--ones that usually come with a spouse or mate--chances are family or friends who care enough will lend a hand when she needs it. "I don't know how many times I've had a girlfriend go get my son when he was really young and would get sick all the time," recalls Williams, who couldn't always leave work when an emergency arose. "We watched each other's backs. If you can find people who are facing similar situations, you can get practical and emotional support."

Sometimes it takes swallowing a little pride to reach out for help, but if people are willing and able, accept their offers to lighten your parenting load. "It's very hard to do it all alone," says McGruder, who is now living with her mother but plans to venture out on her own when she's financially stable. "I thank my mother every day. If your parents want to help, let them. That's who will be there for you--your family."

SEEKING CHILD SUPPORT

A father's absence from the household does not excuse him from his responsibility to provide for his children. If he is not pulling his share of the parenting load, especially when it comes to financial support, a single mother has a legal right to seek recourse through the courts. If a father refuses to pay child support, the government can garnish his wages or his income tax refunds. Many states are adopting "Deadbeat Dad" laws, posting photos of delinquent parents in public forums in hopes of embarassing them into taking responsibility for their children.

"You're not pursuing child support as a way to get back at the child's father," Williams says, "but as a way to help you support your child." At the other end of the spectrum, single mothers shouldn't forego child support out of fear of angering the father. "I've talked to many men who have not paid child support and they feel guilty about it," Williams says. "That ends up keeping them further away from the child. And the men who initially are angry about [paying] child support usually get over it ... The child deserves to have both parents involved in [his or her] life, financially and in every other way."

MAINTAINING A CIVIL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD'S FATHER

Keeping your cool when dealing with your child's father may be the hardest thing to do as a single mother, especially if the relationship ended on a very sour note. And even if your anger or loathing toward him is completely justified, experts say that you still have an obligation to your child to keep the lines of communication open and civil. McGruder says that while she and her son's father don't agree on everything, they are able to compromise. "I'm surprised that we even talk," she admits, "because sometimes parents won't even talk to each other. So I'm happy we're able to communicate."

When a mother can have a good working relationship with her child's father, Williams says, it allows for a good father-child relationship. "That means throwing away all that bitterness and anger--or at least putting it on hold so that your child can have that relationship," adds Williams, who admits that she does not always practice what she preaches. "I have to be patient, unselfish and flexible so everything can work out for my son. I have to be mature, and I can't say nasty things to my son about his father just to get my son on my side--and I have been guilty of it. In the end, it only hurts the child."

ANSWERING TOUGH QUESTIONS

Inevitably the day will come when children start to ask questions about their absent fathers. That day scares McGruder, as it does many single mothers. Even though she's not looking forward to the Q&A session, she already has her answer prepared. "I probably will try to explain to him it's not his fault--things just didn't work out between mom and dad," McGruder says, "but your dad still loves you."

Experts say that McGruder is definitely on the right track when it comes to handling the delicate details of an estranged relationship. Williams says that when children start to ask those questions, it's a mother's responsibility to answer them as honestly and as specifically as possible. "You shouldn't put more on a child than the child asks for," advises Williams. "Don't give more information than needed. Be honest and [answer each question] one at a time."

Love appears to be an equally important key in answering those tough questions children present. Single moms need to reassure sons and daughters of the love both parents have for them, despite the circumstances surrounding the father's departure. "When children start asking questions, many times the [reason] behind them is that they feel unloved," Williams explains. "We as single moms have to constantly let our children know that they are loved. Not just by us, but by our family, their father, their father's family, by everyone who loves them."

REMINDING CHILDREN OF THEIR FATHERS

Even if dad can't--or won't--play an active role in his child's life, it's still important for single moms to keep his memory alive in the child's mind. "I hate hearing Black kids say, `I don't have a daddy,'" Williams says. "You do have a daddy. Whether or not he's living with them, or in jail, he's still their father, and mothers have to constantly remind their kids of something positive, something good about him, even if it's just his pretty eyes or beautiful voice."

Part of keeping the memory of dad alive comes by encouraging whatever relationship children have with their fathers, even if it's only through letter-writing or opening a photo album every now and then to look at dad's picture and reminisce. Again, avoid any negative talk about fathers around children. Not so much for the fathers' benefit, but for that of the children, who, Williams says, will take personally any attack on their dads.

PROVIDING MALE ROLE MODELS FOR YOUR CHILD

Although dad isn't around, experts say it's important for single mothers to expose their daughters and sons to other positive men. This allows children to still receive the love, attention and respect they would normally get from their fathers. Additionally, it prevents single moms from feeling like their children are deprived because they don't have a father figure to emulate. While McGruder reveals that her son's father is only minimally involved in his life, she's not at all worried that William will be missing out on a male role model because he has his grandfather and his uncles to look to--who "are always there for him," she says.

Apart from relatives, there are plenty of other good sources of positive male role models who are involved in church, school sports and scouting.

PLAYING THE DATING GAME

Most single moms will tell you they don't have time to date because of work and the responsibility of raising children. But a mother is, after all, a woman first, so it's only natural that one question of dating will eventually arise. This is a delicate issue that single mothers must tread carefully upon. There are special considerations these mothers must follow, experts say, especially since their children are also involved. "You have to realize that you're not just single anymore--you're single with children," Williams says. "There are too many situations where I've seen single moms put their lives and their children's lives in jeopardy because of some guy they want to go out with. If a man is worthy of you as a single mom, he'll understand that you have to behave differently than a woman who has no children."

For McGruder, that means being extremely careful about whom she exposes to her son. "I can't see [a mother] dating and bringing every Tom, Dick and Harry to her house to meet her child," she says. "I have to get to know a person first before I let him come around my child. Because once a child gets attached to someone and we break up, that other person doesn't have to explain to him why he's not around anymore; I'm the one stuck with explaining. So I want to wait until Will gets old enough to understand what the dating process is about."

Williams says that the simplest rule of thumb when it comes to dating and relationships for the single mother is to put yourself in your child's place. "Ask yourself, `If I were my child, what would I think if I saw this going on?'" she says. "If you keep that in mind with your dating, then you'll come up with your own rules that will allow you to be careful and still have a good time."

IMPARTING LIFE LESSONS

Perhaps the most important knowledge a single mother can instill into her children is that, despite media messages and negative stereotypes, growing up in a single-parent household should not warrant shame or embarrassment. Children of single parents flourish and thrive, they develop into productive, independent, successful citizens.

"I feel that as long as [children] have that love and support, regardless of who it comes from," McGruder says, "they will be all fight." That is the greatest lesson a mother can impart to her child--the lesson of love.

"One of the biggest compliments paid to me as a single mom was by my son when he was about 3 years old," Williams recalls. "He said to me, `Everybody loves me.' He meant me, his dad, his dad's girlfriend, his grandma and his granddaddy, and all his aunts and uncles. `Everybody loves me.' And that's how a child should feel. When kids feel love like that, they can conquer the world."

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR CHILD ASKS ABOUT DADDY

Kelly Williams, author of Single Mamahood: Advice and Wisdom for the African-American Single Mother, gives examples of some questions children might ask about their absent father, and she offers effective ways to answer them:

Why isn't my father here? "Your father isn't here because he doesn't live here."

Why doesn't my father live here? "Your father doesn't live here because the two of us don't get along and we decided that we couldn't live together."

Does that mean he hates me? "No, that doesn't mean that he hates you. Your father loves you very much."

Why doesn't my father come around if he loves me? "Sometimes grown-ups feel guilty when things happen and they don't handle things the same way. But that doesn't mean your father doesn't love you."

Why is it that my father told me he was going to show up and he doesn't show up? "Well, we all have our faults and some people say they're going to do something, and they get really busy and don't. But that doesn't mean that your father doesn't love you."

RELATED ARTICLE: TIPS FOR SINGLE MOTHERS

1. BE HONEST WITH YOUR CHILDREN

Answer questions about your child's father simply, honestly and free of malice. Constantly remind your children that both you and dad love them. Let them know that daddy's absence has nothing to do with anything your children did or said.

2. FIND SUPPORT FROM OTHERS TO EASE THE CHALLENGES OF SINGLE PARENTHOOD

Make sure the father is pulling his share of the parenting load, both in terms of financial and emotional support. If he isn't, don't be afraid to let the courts intervene. Form support networks with other single mothers. Don't let foolish pride keep you from accepting help from those who truly love and care for you and your child.

3. MAINTAIN A CIVIL RELATIONSHIP--IF POSSIBLE--WITH YOUR CHILD'S FATHER

Put hostilities aside so you both can work together to parent your child with love.

4. REMIND CHILDREN OF THEIR FATHERS

Despite your personal feelings, say positive things about him in your child's presence. Keep the lines of communication open between you and the father. Encourage your child's relationship with his or her father.

5. PROVIDE OTHER MALE ROLE MODELS FOR YOUR CHILDREN

Involve both sons and daughters in activities such as sports, scouting and church-sponsored functions that will expose them to positive males to compensate for their father's absence in their lives.

6. DON'T BE TOO EAGER TO MAKE YOUR DATES INTO MATES

Be careful about the men you expose to your children. Keep your child's needs first when dating or starting a serious relationship.

7. REALIZE YOUR POTENTIAL TO BE A GOOD MOTHER

Single motherhood may not be your ideal, but you don't have to wear it as a scarlet letter. Accept it for what it is and embrace it by doing everything in your power to be a loving, responsible parent to your children.

COPYRIGHT 1999 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group