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Romance and finance: for love and money - Money Talk$
Ebony, Feb, 2003
CHARLIE Parker said, "Romance without finance is a nuisance." And whether you're just married, just moving in, or just starting out, you know that making romance and finance work can be a frustrating and confusing experience.
You've probably been there--arguing one night about how much he or she spent, and then spending the next night trying to piece together the remnants of what you thought was a great relationship. He gets offended when you reach for your purse to pay for your movie ticket. She gets upset because you didn't pick up the dinner cheek fast enough. The love-and-money quagmire goes on and on.
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Navigating the mess is critical because financial problems can strain some relationships to the breaking point, says author Nick Chiles. The South Orange, N.J., resident has written a series of relationship books with his wife, Denene Millner, including What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know About Sex: The Real Deal on Passion, Loving and Intimacy.
"When we start thinking about spending the rest of our lives with someone, security becomes the prominent necessity. For both sexes, when we think about loving someone, we think about what our lives will be like with this person," says Chiles, an award-winning journalist who has a psychology degree from Yale University. "So money pops up pretty immediately."
Money isn't the cause of the problem; it's how couples think about money that creates a "nuisance." What couples should remember is that the main rule regarding relationships and money matters is this--communicate and compromise.
"You have to begin by understanding that just because you did it one way doesn't mean that's the only way it could have been done," says Millner, who also wrote The Sistahs' Rules: Secrets for Meeting, Getting and Keeping a Good Black Man. "When [Nick and I] got into this relationship, I had one idea about how money should be saved and spent and handled, and he had a totally different one. The important thing is to understand where that other person is coming from and then find a happy medium.
Finding the middle ground means having an honest discussion about your financial views. Tell your partner if you put $200 into a money-market account each month or if you live paycheck-to-paycheck. Come to the table honestly and openly to see if your financial needs and views are compatible. If they're not compatible, work at learning more about money and each other, and try to compromise.
The way couples view money can also give insight into other aspects of their personalities. For men on the "gold digger alert" and women on the "lazy-man patrol," there could be self-esteem or intimacy issues, says William July of Houston. The author of Understanding the Tin Man: Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy says those issues often get in the way of good communication.
"Everything comes down to resolving your own issues first," says July, who also wrote Brothers, Lust and Love: Thoughts on Manhood, Sex and Romance. "Couples have to have enough respect and trust in their relationship to embrace and talk about the tough issues, like monogamy, money and life plans."
The biggest blunder a couple can make is playing the money card too early or too far into the relationship, experts say, because both can lead to unrealistic expectations. The first date is too early; the honeymoon is probably too late.
Chiles recommends waiting until both people are serious about the relationship and are willing to work to see the union succeed.
"What the man fears is that his woman somehow suspects that he won't be able to provide for the family," says Chiles. "This is an especially prevalent fear among Black men because of all the perceptions, baggage and stereotypes in our community."
Millner adds that there's also a very real concern among women about the future of the family.
"The fear of not having your family taken care of is very real for women," says Millner, who earned a bachelor's degree in print journalism and graphic arts from Hofstra University. "It's important that Brothers understand that just because she's inquiring about where you are with your finances doesn't mean she's being a gold digger. She's trying to make sure that her family, if she's going to get with you, is taken care of."
Experts say you should put aside the stereotypes and focus the money conversation on goals, dreams and objectives regarding finance and family. Then you can move on to the more concrete stuff like whether to open joint checking accounts, share investments or split household bills. And once you've made the decision to build a financial future together, sit down with a qualified expert to map out that future.
"Once couples set their financial goals, then a financial planner can help them establish a plan and navigate them through it to reach their objectives," says Olin Wiley, an estate planner in Atlanta. "To be successful, it's going to take both parties making intelligent decisions."
COPYRIGHT 2003 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2003 Gale Group
