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The joys and dangers of flirting; how to flirt when to flirt when not to flirt
Ebony, Nov, 2003 by Nikitta A. Foston
IT can start slowly. A warm smile. The wink of an eye. A subtle glance from across the room.
When it comes to the art of flirtation, there are as many moves as there are people trying to explore them. From the subtle to the direct in-your-face to the one-liner and the direct body-language signal, men and women are engaging in the age-old art of flirtation in the most common to the most unexpected places.
Spurred on by the feminist movement that introduced a new level of unapologetic expression for women, Sisters are exercising their right to flirt and Brothers are taking notice and responding with their own signature brand of attention-getting moves. This has changed the entire game of flirting, and it's become a matter of social survival to know how to flirt, when to flirt and when NOT to flirt.
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HOW TO FLIRT
Almost everyone believes that your most effective attribute, from the standpoint of flirting, is the eye, and that your success in flirting depends, first and foremost, on the power and the art of your eye appeal. "Eye contact is the first thing that I look for," says 28-year-old Andrea Wilson of Atlanta. "Once you establish eye contact, along with a smile, the guy will normally smile back at you. If you're walking toward a guy, he may turn around and look at you once you've passed him by. I call that the 'double take.' That's when you know you've got him."
The best approach to getting someone's attention is simple. If you see something you like, send a series of powerful eye signals. If you look long enough, you're bound to get a response. But be careful. There is a fine line between staring and being rude. Most experts recommend an on-and-off approach.
Next is the opener--something to get the attention of that special someone. Compliments are always appropriate and can often lead to conversation. "Complimenting a person on how they look, what they are wearing, or even how their hair is styled are subtle ways to let a person know that you're interested," says Dr. Jeff Gardere, author of Love Prescription: Healing Our Hearts Through Love. "A plain 'hello' while looking into a man's eyes or a 'thank you' while maintaining eye contact as he opens the door is also a subtle but effective flirting method."
Men can employ the art of flirtation as well with a series of openers: "That's a beautiful dress you have on," "You have a wonderful smile," "That color really looks good on you," or "I love the fragrance you're wearing ... what is it?" Many Brothers realize that women are flattered when a man takes the time to notice their fragrance and attributes and are much more receptive to conversation.
Sisters should also begin with a complimentary opener. "That's a stylish suit you have on," "I love your tie. It looks great with that suit," or "That's a nice briefcase ... where'd you buy it?" According to experts, women are less likely to base their comments on a man's body, but are more likely to use body language as a flirtation method. A slight toss of the hair, an extra sway in the wall or a subtle cross of the legs when sitting beside a handsome suitor are a few of the non-verbal methods of getting a man's attention.
Women may also use general openers that ask for a man's assistance: "Do you know how to get to this location?" or "Do you have change for a dollar?" This type of flirtation is twofold: It makes the man feel needed, thereby stroking his ego, and it creates an immediate exchange of information.
WHAT NOT TO DO
Flirting is one thing. Coming on to someone is another. Overt comments regarding a woman's body parts are always inappropriate. Toya Dixon, a former aerobics instructor, agrees. "Intrusive or aggressive messages make me uncomfortable," she says. "You cannot validate a man who approaches you in that manner. Otherwise, he will think it's okay.
"If you're looking for a man, you've got to be a lady," she adds. "If you're too direct with a man, it changes the game. You've got to let a man know that you're interested, but you can't assume his role. You've got to let the man be the man," she says. "Men often say that they like a woman who is direct, but they don't normally make that type of woman their woman."
But some women uphold their right to take charge and say that men actually prefer the direct approach. "If you see something you like, there's nothing wrong with letting the Brother know where you stand," says Tavia Marshall, a twentysomething single teacher in Seattle. "Sometimes men need a little push to get the ball rolling. I think it makes you more of a woman if you know what you want and aren't afraid to go after it."
THE BEST AND THE WORST
Diane Rollerson, a flight attendant from San Diego, enjoys a man with a mature flirting style and says that she hates loud and aggressive overtures. "I was walking down the street and a guy hollered from his car, 'Baby, you can take me home, and I'll do whatever you want me to do.' Then he smiled as though I was supposed to be flattered!" She was not.
