Sisters, beware! How to spot a 'playa'

"I knew he had a girlfriend," Lisa says. "But being his secret lover was exciting. One day he scooped me up in her Mercedes and told me that she had just given him $100 to pay their light bill, but that he was spending the money on us instead. I was so turned on by that. I thought his girlfriend was such a fool. They later broke up, I became his main woman, and then my car and my money went AWOL. I knew what he was doing and I knew that I had become the new fool in the situation."

[TIP] "If you've got a person who will pimp a woman for you, it's just a matter of time before you become Se next victim," says Dr. Smith.

[RED FLAG] You don't know his friends and family.

For the sake of fairness, some men are hermits at heart. They dread family reunions, class reunions, weddings, double dates, clubbing, and virtually any form of social interaction with other human beings.

Yet, if you've been dating Mr. Right exclusively and you haven't met any of his friends or family members, experts warn that the odds are good that your sacred relationship is actually a secret one.

"Thomas," a 23-year-old physical therapist from Jackson, Tennessee, says that he shares an apartment with his main woman on one side of town and his new girlfriend lives on another. "I take my new girl to low-profile eateries or clubs on her side of town, and she's fine with it," Thomas says. "She's asked me to take her to places that I frequent, but I never do. I just tell her that I'm trying to get away from my old crowd and she doesn't push the issue too much."

[TIP] "Men who are up to no good will attempt to take you out of their social circle," explains Michael *, a Brooklyn-area anesthesiologist. "My females will never go where I hang out because it's a good chance that they will find out what I'm all about. So I isolate them from my friends."

[RED FLAG] Without warning, the honeymoon ends.

The playboy's universal calling card is his ability to end the honeymoon quickly.

Can you recall just how sweet it was at the beginning--the unexpected flowers and phone calls; the Godiva chocolates and romantic weekend getaways? Remember how Mr. Too-Good-To-Be-True kept you beaming like a schoolgirl in puppy love?

But now the playboy has turned the beaming schoolgirl into the stepchild who's desperately in need of some tender loving care.

In hindsight, you recognize that somewhere along the line, you've placed your expectations too high, and you've let your guard down too low when dealing with that playa disguised as a good man.

But if the law of karma is any consolation, know that it's only a matter of time before the playa's games come back to haunt him.

In the meantime, Brittain Wilder, author of Understanding the Games Men Play, urges you to guard your heart the best way you can, that is, to be cautious when pursuing new relationships, and to practice a calculated vulnerability (read: Open up emotionally with a man only after doing your homework) in your new liaisons.

[TIP] "Liars are good at their trade," Wilder suggests. "They have had years of experience and many victims to practice their craft on. But there is something every woman can do to protect herself against a liar: Listen to what he says, but believe what you see."

COPYRIGHT 2003 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2003 Gale Group