Sex before marriage? My religion forbids premarital sex. What's more important: how I feel about my boyfriend or the tenets of my faith? - Mindbodyq+a

Q I've been involved with a man for about a year. We get along great, share similar values and have an enjoyable sex life. Or we did, until I started feeling guilty about violating my faith. My religion frowns on premarital sex, so we agreed to stop sleeping together. Although we're not ready to get married, I really miss having sex with him, and we both feel frustrated. What should I do?

A "One way to begin would be to examine your faith and this particular prohibition," suggests Sharon Lamb, Ed.D., an associate professor of psychology at Saint Michael's College in Colchester, Vt. "Do you believe that premarital sex is truly wrong, or does your guilt stem more from a sense of 'breaking the rules'?" Such rules governing sexual behavior have historically been strict when applied to women, not only by organized religion but by society in general. "You may want to think about how much your troubled conscience comes from disobeying your faith, and how much comes from your own internalized fears about being a 'bad girl' who wants and enjoys sex," Lamb says.

Part of becoming a mature adult is developing a clear sense of your own values, even in the face of pressure to behave differently. As part of this process, you may decide that sex outside of marriage is not something you need to feel ashamed or guilty about.

But if you decide that premarital sex is not the right choice for you, you might consult with a member of your clergy to find out what kinds of intimate contact your faith regards as appropriate between unmarried people. Kissing, hugging and holding hands will still allow you to express affection for your boyfriend. And, of course, there are ways to feel close to each other that don't involve being physical.

"Making decisions about sexual activity can become an invitation to deeper reflection about yourself and your beliefs, as well as the nature of your relationship with your partner," says the Rev. Joretta Marshall, Ph.D., academic dean and professor of pastoral theology and care at Eden Theological Seminary in St. Louis. "Sexuality is a deeply spiritual part of life that should be handled thoughtfully, not with a rigid list of do's and don'ts."

Annie Murphy Paul is a health and psychology writer in New York City.

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