Dalai Lama with a glock

I have met Bill Clinton's molecular opposite, and now I'm a groupie.

Ted Nugent, Uncle Nuge, the MotorCity Madman, is not only an excellent guitar-player, for which he is duly famous, but also a great American patriot. In the past few days I've gone to one of his concerts, had various meals with him, been on TV with him, met his beautiful wife, gone to his book-signing, and read his excellent book, God, Guns, & Rock 'N' Roll (Regnery a sister company of HUMAN EVENTS).

It's hard enough to write about something 1 like, but it's really hard to write a review of a genius work like this. That's why I wasn't an English major: How can you write an essay about a poem? Didn't John Milton say it better? Isn't that why we're still reading him 300 years later? Like Milton, Ted Nugent says it better.

So I'll quote liberally in providing a rough summary of the chapters, which should give you the flavor of this masterful book.

Chapter One-Ted Rides in A Cab: A couple of hoodlums jump out of their car and begin to attack an off-duty policeman. Ted leaps out of his cab, calls 911, and "made sure my Glock Model 20 10mm handgun was clear and forward on my right hip for optimum access, whipped open my sheriff's badge in my left hand, and charged forcefully into the melee like a mother grizzly sow protecting her cubs. I could taste rage, fear, blood, and terror. I was 190 pounds of broiling adrenaline. All systems, 100 PERCENT, DUMP NOW! Full Bluntal Nugety. The MotorCity Madman in his prime."

Chapter Two-Ted on The Sixties: "[T]he lovely silver gun hidden in my belt during the outlando druginfested hippie years went undetected and unexposed. . . . Jimi [Hendrix] got high and Jimi's dead, I went huntin' and fm still Ted:'

Chapter Three-Ted on the Media: "The vast majority of America's free press does not report news, they make it up. Anyone who dismisses the claims of a conspiracy is either a paid employee of the media or a deaf, dumb, and blind fool. Especially dumb:'

His examples:

"CBS got agenda, too, as it proved when it produced a deliberate fraud on one of its twisted gun specials.

"On Denver's KMGH-TV, a reporter railed on the evils of `assault weapons,' showing footage of people firing fully automatic machine guns. He claimed they were semi-auto `assault weapons' that needed to be banned (already were!). Good work all you highly trained, believable professionals. We salute you for your integrity in time of need. Such depth:'

Chapter Four-Ted on Politicians: After a gang-related shooting in Washington, D.C., "Connecticut Sen. Christopher Dodd didn't help when, in a televised statement, he proudly, self righteously plummeted way down into new, exciting uncharted depths of denial. He had the outrageous audacity to say that this shooting proves we need more gun laws, actually citing a specific need for trigger locks! May I? (1) People under 18 are forbidden from owning or possessing handguns. (2) All firearms are banned in Washington, D.C. (3) Discharging a firearm in the city limits is against the law. (4) Shooting at people is illegal. (_5) Could any serious-thinking person think that gunlocks prevent gang-bang wars?. . . Are these politicians members of the same species that I am?"

Chapter Five-Ted on America: "You mean to say that when an imbecile walks into a church, office, day care center, or school, stumbling about, almost zombielike, with gun-filled hands at this side, blabbering incoherently to his next victim, the reaction of grown men and women is to run, cry, whimper, and hide under a desk or pew? The sheeping of American is nearly complete.

"[I]'m just a guitar player, but I assure you, had I been around when any of these violent event unfolded, I would have refused to stand idly by like some wimp:'

Chapter Six-Ted on Happiness: "The rapid sequential pulsations of an M 16 held tight in my hands, virtually spitting out a torrent of lead, is truly ballistic heaven. My idea of a rainbow is an arch of flowing brass over my shoulder, piling up at my feet 'til the barrel glows a sunrise orange and someone forces me to stop. Full auto is music to my ears and a sensual serenade to every bone, muscle, and nerve in my body."

Chapter Seven-Ted on the Constitution: "Who could possibly think for a minute that the Constitution and the Bill of Rights limit the powers of the government except with regard to the 2nd Amendment? That's just plain goofy, but goofy is how some politicians act when they continuously try to restrict the rights of law-abiding Americans."

Ted's cooking tips:

"Here's the ultimate recipe. You ready?

"Kill stuff.

Add Fire.

Eat.

Burp.

Have a good night."

So you get the basic idea. Uncle Nuge never quite gets around to the God and Rock 'N' Roll part of the book, except for important words of wisdom like this: "As goes the projectile, so goes the soul." Or this: "If God didn't want us to eat pork why would He have put all that meat on pigs and deal with their stinking porcine misbehavior on Noah's ark?"

After a particularly prosperous morning of deer hunting (with bow and arrow), Ted says a prayer: "Thanks, Lord for this super-system of renewable resource stewardship stuff. I don't know how You ever came up with this, but it's awesome. You da Man! Amen:'