Letter From Al - political humor - Brief Article

Dear Mr. Bush:

Our several recent attempts to contact you have been unsuccessful.

YOUR ACCOUNT IS NOW SERIOUSLY PAST DUE.

The American Express card is a charge card, not a credit card. Monthly charges are due when billed. Your current outstanding balance of $76,983.31 must be paid IMMEDIATELY. Failure to do so will result in revocation of charge privileges.

Our records indicate that a substantial portion of your outstanding balance went to one vendor, PushPollAmerica, and for jet fuel. Our records indicate that you have attempted to transfer these items to your Sign 'n' Travel account. Therefore, in future, your jet fuel expenses will be transferred to this account. The current charges stay current, however.

You will not accrue Membership Miles until the outstanding balance is paid.

Sincerely,

DELINQUENT ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT

Dear Mr. Gore:

The Patent Office is in receipt of your letter dated February 17, 2000. We have carefully examined your extensive and detailed designs for what you call the "Let Al Gore Save Your Child Device."

Patents are essentially legal claims. They represent ownership of an original idea, and are issued by this office to enable the patent owner to collect fees and royalties based on his or her design. Your device-a hard plastic cradle with straps and safety buckles-bears a strong resemblance to several other items on the market, called "child car seats" or "safety seats." The model you submitted, in fact, is one such device, with the plastic lettering "Peg Perego" scratched off and "Let Al Gore Save Your Child" scrawled over in indelible marker.

It is impossible for this office to issue a patent on an existing device. We thought we had made this clear when you submitted plans for your "Al Gore Artificial Kidney" dialysis device, which we discovered was a well-known model of such a device with the label scratched off and your face pasted on the centrifuge mechanism.

Request for patent denied.

Sincerely,

PATENT OFFICE CLAIMS

P.S.: In re: your other patent request, we are almost certain that Dr. Jonas Salk predates your "Gore Vaccine" by several decades.

Dear Mr. McCain:

CONGRATULATIONS! You have been PRE-APPROVED for a PLATINUM PLUS VISA card!

Because of your unique stature, and your proven ability to pay, you have been PRE-APPROVED for a VISA card with a credit limit of $25,000,000.00!That's right! No credit check necessary! No lengthy forms to fill out! No irritating questions to answer!

Just sign the back of the enclosed card and begin your trouble-free lifestyle!

Sincerely,

PLATINUM PLUS VISA

Dear Mr. Bradley:

Thank you very much for your recent letter. All of us here at ESPN Networks and the Classic Sports Channel wish you the very best in the primary campaigns.

Of course, those of us who are old enough to remember when you played for the New York Knicks are rooting for you! The bad news, though, is that we cannot at this time "replay" or "re-present" (to use your words) any of those games on our networks, much less with you as a host, either alone or with Michael Jordan, as you suggested. There simply isn't enough time-or "dayparts," to use industry parlance-to justify running decades-old basketball games when there are so many other new and dynamic sports to broadcast.

You're right to mention that "equal time laws might make this a little sticky," but after talking it over with our lawyers, the "equal time" issue did not seem to be a problem. Those laws are enforced only when they seem to unfairly benefit an "active, operative" campaign. So you see, it isn't the "equal time" statutes that force us to decline your kind offer. It's those pesky dayparts!

Thanks again for your interest in ESPN Networks and Classic Sports Channel.

Sincerely,

ESPN NETWORKS

Dear Mr. Keyes:

Thank you very much for your recent application for a DISCOVER card. We cannot offer you a card at this time. The following consumer data services were used to act on your request: EQUIFAX, INC., and TRW, INC.

If you feel we have made our determination in error, you may submit a new application.

Thank you,

DISCOVER CARD SERVICES

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