The Long View - make-believe diary entries of prominent Democrats - Brief Article

The Candidates' Diaries, April 2002

From John Kerry's diary:

. . . practiced looking concerned in the mirror a few times, until I got it down. I guess losing this war is too much to hope for, but . . .

From Dick Gephardt's diary:

. . . not actually to die, of course -- she's my mother, after all, and nature dictates that there be a bond -- but if she got sick or something, right around the New Hampshire primary, I could sort of do a "soldier on" type deal. Be a helluva story. "I dedicate my campaign to my mom" angle. Because let's face it: Bush'll get the stature vote and the foreign-affairs vote, so I've got to line up another angle. I'm testing a "trade, old people, and the environment" brew right now that works okay. No one's using that one -- they're all stuck on the war thing, which as far as I can tell is going to be a big loser. I mean, we're going to win it, so it's not really very useful . . .

From Chris Dodd's diary:

. . . and aren't people tired of sex scandals? "When I was a single man, I dated a lot of women," should be enough. But just to be on the safe side, I made a list of all of the women I think might deserve some kind of pre-New Hampshire apology phone call, and we're working right now with Oracle to turn that into a searchable database that we can continually update on an as-needed basis, because I keep remembering new ones, and Ted Kennedy has lent me his diary . . .

From Al Gore's diary:

. . . just by shaving the damn beard off! Amazing! Overnight Al Gore went up three points in the "good feelings towards" category among women 35-54, and in two-child households in ex-urban areas with an average HHI of $63,000 (Al's target demo) Al Gore went up four whole percentage points in the "don't find him pathetic" sub-section of the "what comes to your mind when you hear the name Al Gore?" section of the focus-group questionnaire. Better still, among teens and 20-34's the newly beardless Al Gore has shown dramatic improvement. The "looks like my high-school drama teacher" response that was so prevalent during the bearded period has vanished. A few respondents said that Al Gore reminded them of a "young, hip priest" but the rest gave positive responses. Add these new, more positive numbers to the response Al Gore received in Florida and the whole idea of an "Al Gore in 2004" candidacy makes a lot of sense. All in all, Al's doing great. He went through a rocky patch, let's be honest, and for a while there he really thought he was cracking up, losing his marbles and whatnot. But he held on. Held on tight. Took those bad feelings and buried them in a secret place deep inside him, where no one can ever go. No one can ever hurt Al again. No one can ever take what's his and make him feel small and bad. No one. No one. I'm here to protect him. I'm here to make sure no more bad things happen to him. Soon, soon, my precious Al, soon you'll show everyone. They'll all be sorry then, Al. Oh yes. Oh yes. They'll rue the day they made you mad, and they'll dress you in purple robes of silk and ermine and anoint you with . . .

From Tom Daschle's diary:

. . . kept giving me these creepy looks when we were down in Florida. Finally, I said to him, "Hey, Al, what's with the weird looks, man?" and he just kind of smiled. I have to admit, without the beard, he seems more likable. He seems more at peace with himself, too, which makes me wonder whether or not he's actually going to run. My political instincts are never wrong, and they're telling me that Al is just too happy right now and too comfortable in his own skin to want to go through a campaign again, which leaves the field wide open for . . .

From Al Sharpton's diary:

. . . in that Jewish way they have. Nevertheless, I think I accomplished the essential business of the morning, which was to position myself and my candidacy as a kind of referendum on the progress -- or lack thereof -- of civil rights in this country, and to maintain the terms of debate, which should be an agenda that we set based on our priorities, and not those of the so-called media. One of the reporters at the meeting kept pressing me about Israel, and you could just tell by his nose that he was one of those money-lending . . .

COPYRIGHT 2002 National Review, Inc.
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