Letter From Al - political humor - Brief Article

Dear APPLICANT,

Thanks very much for your interest in being my running mate. Tipper and I are excited about moving forward with this phase of our historic campaign!

By now, the blood workup has been sent to the lab and the hair and skin samples are being prepared for analysis. Again, thank you for your prompt and cooperative attitude during this unpleasant but necessary procedure.

Basically, as you all know, the blood sample is a way for us to get to know you a little bit better-to familiarize ourselves with you and your family. A lot of past applicants have told us that this is the best part of the whole process! And in one case in particular, an applicant was grateful to learn about his very severe cholesterol problem (Hi, Jesse!). The really great thing about the blood workup is that it never lies-it doesn't even stretch the truth a bit (unlike some people! Believe me, I'm working on it!). So I'm sure you understand why this is so crucial.

The hair sample is really kind of a two-birds-with-one-stone situation. First, it allows us to detect any chemical narcotic residue in the protein strands. But more importantly, it allows us to determine which products our stylist might recommend to treat your distinct hair type (Hi, Jesse!).

Finally, as must be obvious, the skin sample is a means of determining precise racial background and, from that, a potential campaign-stop itinerary.

For those of you who have completed the first part of this survey-the Standard Personality Disorder Identification Test-we thank you. I'm sure you all agree that the SPDIT wasn't nearly as difficult as it sounded! All you had to do was arrange a few shapes and colors in a few simple patterns. For those of you who did not complete the Test or who refused for personal reasons (Hi, Jesse!), we urge you once again to think about doing so. Remember: None of the data we collect will be used to determine who is selected; rather, we use the information to determine how best to utilize the selectee. So think about it.

Whew! The icky part is over! Now for the easy part. The following is a series of questions we've come up with that will help us get "on the same page," as they say. By no means is this to be thought of as a "quiz" or a "test." What we want is to get a sense of how you, as a potential candidate, might fit in with our organization.

1. Please rank the following presidents in order, best to worst, IN YOUR OPINION:

FDR, JFK, Abraham Lincoln, James Madison, Bill Clinton, James Polk

2. Please rank the following presidents in order, best to worst, IN YOUR OPINION:

FDR, JFK, Abraham Lincoln, James Madison, Bill Clinton, James Polk

(Please note: While the preceding two questions are identical, your answers need not be.)

3. IN YOUR OPINION, what is the "riskiest" economic policy the next president might support? New social programs. Campaign-finance reform. Tax cuts. School choice. (Circle one.)

4. IN YOUR OPINION, what is the proper role of the vice president? To raise money. To serve the current president in an advisory capacity. To sit tight. To attack the opposition. To maintain and enforce the high standards of the office. (Circle one, but not the one you think.)

5. Do you have a gay relative? Is that relative flamboyant?

6. Are you a female? [If yes, please skip to question 12.]

7. Are you African American? [If yes, please skip to question 13.]

8. Are you a leader and/or president of a trade union? [If so, you're reading the wrong form. The form you want is Gore2000 Form 10A, "How to Collaborate Without Collaborating."]

9. Are you a moderate liberal with solid interest-group ties with a gay- friendly staff and at least one black and/or Hispanic relation who is still living? [If yes, please skip to question 14.]

10. If the nominee for president were wearing a brown/olive combination, you as vice presidential nominee might wear: The same. Some kind of taupe. Muted gray. Navy blue. What the colorist lays out for me. (Circle one.)

11. Essay Question: Complete the following: "It will be a good deal easier for me, as a candidate for vice president, to criticize Bill Clinton's character because . . . " (250-word minimum)

12. Are you Kathleen Kennedy Townsend? [If yes, please gather all relevant tax materials and wait by the phone. If no, please return to the questionnaire.]

13. Hi, Jesse!

14. Congratulations! Welcome to the ticket! What is your shoe size?

Thank you all for your time and your thoughts. We'll get back to you just as soon as we possibly can.

--AL

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