Letter from Al - Brief Article

MEMORANDUM

TO: VPOTUS FROM: Naomi Wolf & Media Team RE: Tonight's Town Hall Meeting

Here is what our research suggests.

Remember to thank the questioner for his or her question. They want you to like them, Mr. Vice President. Our research into the minds and habits of the middle class suggests that they have self-esteem issues-and they'd really appreciate knowing that someone of your stature appreciates the way someone of their stature asked a question from an open mike.

Remember that the people asking the questions are by and large from the New Hampshire area. This means they're not quite as, oh, "up to speed," shall we say, as the folks you're used to interacting with.

This means that you're going to have to try double hard to engage them. If some working American from New Hampshire says, "Hello, Mr. Vice President, I'm a garbage collector," what he (or she!!!) wants to hear is not a cold recitation of your waste-management policy, but instead a warm and fatherly, "Oh my! Why, that's a very important job!"

If your questioner is particularly tall, a hearty "My, my! LOOK how tall and strong you are!" would be a welcome icebreaker. (NB: DOES NOT apply to those New Hampshire residents who appear overweight.)

Finally, compliment certain questioners on their ability to raise a family. Raising a family is a difficult, difficult, very important job. It's twice as hard when the government doesn't get in there and lend a hand. Without your help, most of them would fail miserably at it. Bear this in mind.

And smile!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Vice President, we know you'll do just terrifically great! And we know that if you follow these few steps, you'll appear warmer, more accessible, and more human to the unsophisticated-but nonetheless marvelously earthy and real-American voter.

MEMORANDUM

TO: Bill Bradley FROM: Media Team RE: Town Hall Meeting

Some last-minute thoughts before the event.

1. We've noticed the past few weeks that you've allowed some animated facial expressions to appear on your upper forehead-some crinkly laugh lines, an eyebrow ridge, etc. You really should try to eliminate these from your otherwise placid delivery.

2. Remember: You do not want to win! You do not care if you lose! You do not want the job! Chant these things to yourself before, during, and after the debate.

3. Studies show (cf. "The Effect of National Public Radio on the Sleep Deprived" [Marshall: 1997] and "Mind-Release, Relaxation, and 'Zoning' via Charlie Rose" [Dennis: 1996]) that your low, murmuring voice produces a rush of anti-endorphins to the brain, lulling your listeners into a dream- like state of semi-consciousness. Try to remember to keep all answers to at least seven minutes, and to modulate your voice tone to mid-bass-range monotone.

4. Do not use the eyes to express emotion.

5. It is important to minimize the differences between yourself and the Vice President. Differences-or conflicts-will interfere with the calm delivery of your vocal intonation, and may lead to such disquieting effects as "excitement." This effect, while momentarily effective, will lead to an unpleasant surge in the polls, and all the ugliness that that entails.

6. The staccato noise that the audience sometimes emits sounds like barking, but is, in fact, "laughter." Do not encourage them in this frivolity. Likewise the slapping noise they create by beating their open palms against each other.

7. Remember: Heavy lids mean heavy thoughts. Keep those eyes droopy!

And finally, remember: You are too good for this job! You do not want this job! This job is beneath you! Good Luck!

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