Positive partnership

Just a few minutes of conversation between wedded partners can reveal whether their marriage will last, says psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., executive director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle. In a 20-year study of more than 600 couples, Gottman observed videotaped conversations in which the pairs discussed topics of contention in their marriages. Those who had a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions were more likely to stay together, he found.

There are three types of stable marriages identified in the research: the "validating couple," who listen to each other and support each other in an argument; the "avoiders," who stay away from conflict; and the volatile relationship, marked by loud and passionate arguing. The least stable marriage, says Gottman, involves one partner who avoids conflict and another who argues passionately.

Here, Brant Burleson, Ph.D., professor of communications at Purdue University, describes how couples can better cope when contention arises:

* "In couples in which both members avoid conflict, they should begin by recognizing that disagreement can actually help their relationship to develop," Burleson explains. "They should say to themselves and to each other, 'It's all right for us to disagree,' and then begin to talk about their conflict."

* "With couples who argue often, each partner should look at how they're arguing," he says. "Remember that your goal should be to work through the problem at hand, not to win the argument."

* "Trying to work through issues is tricky when one person tends to initiate arguments while the other avoids conflict," Burleson notes. "If there's a matter you need to discuss, don't cast it as 'I have a problem with you.' Instead, say to your spouse, 'We have a problem that we need to talk about.'"

COPYRIGHT 2004 Weider Publications
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group