Should cancer be kept secret: my husband has terminal cancer. He hasn't told anyone and won't let me tell anyone either. What shall I do? - Ask the experts: answers to your questions from the leaders in natural medicine - Brief Article

ROBERT ANDERSON, M.D., REPLIES: I sympathize with your dilemma. I have had patients in this situation and observed that the best solution was to tell loved ones of the illness. While your husband says he needs secrecy, I urge you to think about your own needs and the needs of others. Often people denied the opportunity to see a dying person resent not having had a chance to say goodbye.

Start the process of disclosure long enough before your husband's anticipated death so that friends and relatives can visit while your husband is still alert and he can communicate relatively well. Tell him that loved ones have noticed something is wrong and you are going to inform them he is ill. Gently point out that visits from friends and relatives represent opportunities for a last sharing of good memories. And they will be able to tell him how much he is appreciated.

You may want at least one close friend, preferably a male, present when you let your husband know what you're going to do. In my experience the refusal to tell friends and family is a macho reaction; the man fears being seen in a compromised state. Another male can help your husband feel less threatened.

After you've told your husband your intention, break the news to all who are important to him. I think it will be easier to forgive yourself for angering your husband than to forgive yourself for not honoring the need of those who love your husband to say goodbye. Any resentment from friends and relatives would be with you for a long, long time.

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