Other faces of holism: interview with Stefani Quane, holistic attorney, part II

Townsend Letter for Doctors and Patients,  June, 2002  by Lily G. Casura

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In the last issue, we talked to Seattle-based holistic attorney Stefani Quane about the theory behind what holistic lawyering is, and how holistic lawyers are taking their place alongside holistic healthcare practitioners as card-carrying "cultural creatives" in our society. In this issue, we look at several practical applications of what Stefani and others do. How she uses the law to treat two "ends" with dignity and ceremony: divorce and estate planning. She also talks about how lawyers' failure to look after their own emotional wellbeing has caused them to vacate their traditional role of counselor, to be replaced by today's ever-present "coach."

The Will as midlife ritual

Casura: If we go back a few years, to when you first started practicing holistic law, I remember that you were thinking that preparing wills could make for a good midlife ceremony. You seemed to say that it shouldn't just be "divorce" that's typically thought of as the popular legal ceremony marking midlife, but that getting your affairs in order could become something deep and rich and imbued with meaning as well.

Quane: I still wholeheartedly believe that wills are one of our culture's few midlife rituals. We don't have a lot of things that celebrate coming into midlife - generally, all we get is a 40th birthday cake with black frosting and a bunch of black balloons. As a society, growing older isn't something we're particularly proud of. Yet, it's time that we grow up as a culture and realize that midlife is excellent; and in fact, aging is a very beautiful process, and we need to honor that process, and claim the power that comes from stepping into maturity. Historically as a culture we haven't been very impressed with the excellence and mastery that comes with midlife; in fact we haven't always striven to master the art of living so that we could become what traditionally is known as an elder in our society. Doing a will can help reclaim that elder status, and can be a focal point for doing that interior work.

Casura: What are some end-of-life planning ceremonies that your clients enjoy?

Quane: Some of the most interesting ones have been in circle, where people come to talk. One of the things I love, and I've had several clients embrace this, is rather than waiting until the funeral to have people say nice things about them, we invited the people they cared about to come to the will signing and say something nice now. Those experiences happened with the wills being signed on significant birthdays, like the 40th or 45th, and it made for very sacred and profound birthday celebrations, rather than silly or jovial ones. They were opportunities for the people involved to fully embrace the second half of their lives.

Casura: Are there other experiences like that?

Quane: When it comes to appointing who's going to be the guardians of your children, in case something happens to you, it can similarly be deeply rich to sit and be honest in a sacred circle, with people who mean a lot to you, and say that, "I choose you, brother, to be the guardian of my child, if I die," and to say to your daughter, "This will be your second father. If anything is ever to happen to me, I want you to know that you will go with this brother and he will love you like I do. I want you to know that I will be there, in the stars, for you, looking down and that you will never leave me, but I want you to know that you're also gaining a second father." If you can imagine, in your mind, what it's like to sit there with key people and say profound things, like, "I trust you with the life of my daughter," and hear the guardian say, "I accept that responsibility. You do not need to worry..." That can be tremendously powerful.

Divorcing with dignity

Casura: One of the unique aspects of what you do is to help people divorce with dignity. You've said that divorce has become a typical ritual of midlife in our country, but that it's hard for people to find a way to "do it right." Tell us about your work in that area.

Quane: The numbers vary: 40% to 50% of marriages end in divorce; and it's higher for second marriages. We have become a divorce culture in the last 30 years, although the church and traditional American culture still hold the value that divorce is bad, you've failed, you've made poor choices. Actually, I can say there is some truth to what those traditional values hold: which is, some people don't work as' hard in marriage as they need to work. I would say that 30% of my clients who come in for divorce, I think didn't try hard enough.

When I ask them, "Did you go to a counselor?" "No." "Did you' read any self-help books on marriage?" "No." "Did you go to any weekend training seminars on how to have a successful marriage?" "No." "Churches offer counseling on marriage -- did you go to any churches?" "No." And it seems that they might be discarding a very valuable person, and a very viable relationship, without (first) doing the work.

So I always try to push people -- and this is part of holistic practice -- to really examine, are they really making an informed decision? Do they really know what marriage is about, and what that contract means, or are they trashing it too early?